Page 38 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

Who knew something as simple as a smile could be full of promise and lies?

“Sure. They were about to leave.” I took another sip of my coffee, wondering how much of a fight the succubi would put up once they realized the Devil could be trained to be the ultimate morning provider of necessary treats, such as iced coffee. If he brought me treats after skipping his owed spot counting, there was hope for him. Poor succubi, unable to train the Devil to be a provider of excellent treats. Maybe I needed to go take over the place to teach them how to train the Devil properly. “Is there anything else I can do for you gentleman?”

They glared at the Devil, as though they expected their scarred faces to deter my divine guest. When that didn’t work, they left, muttering curses the entire way to their black car parked at the end of my driveway.

I waited until they were out of sight before closing the door and returning my brother’s gun to its rightful place on the entry stand. “Thank you for the coffee.”

“I forget how tiring my presence can be for mortals.”

“It was more I’d been up way past my bedtime than anything else. Yesterday had been long and hard. What time is it?”

The Devil checked his cell phone, which was far smaller than the portable bricks most carried with them, oddly flat and compact, with more glass than plastic. “It is a little after two.”

Shit. To be on time for work, I needed to teleport three hours into the past. “I’m blaming you when I get fired for not showing up at my job.”

“I will offer you a competitive salary for access to a single spot per day.”

As he hadn’t specified it needed to be a new spot, I considered his offer. “Monetary incentives only, with a five minute minimum and a thirty minute maximum of how much affection you can display to the spot of my choice.”

“Yes, those terms are acceptable. I will include a clause where I can attempt to negotiate for up to two hours with the spot of your choice. Otherwise, it will be a standard employment opportunity. As I want continual access to your spots, I will even give you fair terms, excellent health insurance, and daily opportunities to tell me no.”

Damn. When the Devil wanted something, he made damned good offers. “I’m going to have one of your brothers review any and all paperwork involved with my employment. Let me call my boss and notify him I’ll be quitting before he calls and fires me for not showing. I’ll just tell him I was sick today. I’m obviously delirious and running a high fever. Then you can pitch me a figure. Think about if there’s any other real work I can do for you, because I work hard for the money despite my inability to show up at my job today.”

The Devil pulled out his odd cell phone, dialed a number, and held it to his ear. “Michael, could you smooth things over at Darlene’s place of employment? She is acquiring employment elsewhere. What? No. I am not hiring her to be a sexual deviant.”

Did spot counting classify as sexual deviance? Considering there’d been no sex on the table, his desk, or anywhere else, either the Devil had some strange kinks or he just liked plush fur.

“I’ll be paying her for her operations involving my many hells, and I have been issued a hiring incentive of one spot per weekday. She even set time limits on how much attention I can pay to the spot of her choice. It’s cruel, really. I’m even letting her tell me no. She would like you or Gabriel to confirm the paperwork so I don’t try to pull any tricks on her. I really would, too. I am who I am, and I want what I want, and I really want access to those spots. Do not make me pluck your feathers for admiring her spots too intently. You can admire them a little, at a distance.”

“Lucifer, neither Michael nor Gabriel have nipples. That’s a dealbreaker for me.”

“Hold on a sec, Michael.” The Devil pointed his phone at me. “You were looking at their chests?”

“If they had nipples, they’d have perfect chests. Michael put on some nipples for a few minutes, but he made them go away again. You better believe I was looking at their chests! If you want to keep your nipples, you better change your tune, Lucifer. I can look all I fucking want. You got it?”

“Can I respectfully ask that you do not touch unless you’re touching mine?”

I thought about it. “You can ask, but considering you have a gauntlet of single succubi to worry about, you have more problems than whether or not I want to touch some man’s nipples.”

The Devil put his phone back to his ear. “Can you believe this, Michael? What did you do to her? She has no fear of me, she really just does not give a flying fuck if I become upset with her, and I’m rather dismayed how interested she is in your chest.”

“No nipples,” I reminded him. “Dealbreaker means I’m not interested without the nipples. If I am forced to cut your nipples off, you become vastly less interesting than you currently are, so I recommend you take good care of them. They’re mandatory.”

“The rest of my body is equally appealing, thank you,” he muttered.

“Is it?” I shrugged and sipped my iced coffee. According to the painting, he was a prime specimen any sane woman would want to enjoy repeatedly. However, as he boasted the title of the Lord of Lies, I would withhold judgment. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

“Do you hear this, Michael? She’s utterly unrepentant!”

“There is a reason I’m going to hell. Being unrepentant is one of those reasons.”

“You’re going to hell because you walked in and decided to take it over yesterday,” he countered.

“Well, yes. But after I kick the bucket, there’s a good reason I’m going to hell. Scratch that. There are a lot of good reasons I’m going to hell. Try to keep my torture reasonable, please. I’ve been bad, but I haven’t been that bad.”

The Devil grunted, and he held the phone out towards me. “Michael wants to talk to you.”

I eyed the device. “How does it work?”