Page 65 of Grave Humor

“Isn’t she cute, Azrael?” the devil cooed.

I debated kicking the devil in the shins.

“I value my feathers, which her antique would pull out should I answer that question. You know how long it takes to regrow our feathers.”

The devil snorted. “It’s instantaneous.”

“I do not find you all that amusing.”

The devil grinned. “Ah, but you do find me somewhat amusing. You love me, but as I’m a most wonderful brother, I won’t force you to admit it right now. Eoghan, she’s absolutely correct about her suspicions, but playing our game directly benefits you. You want what can be found here. You want that Hammel fellow out of your way and escorted to my many hells, which would be a consequence of you acquiring this property in a peaceful manner, and you will gain other benefits by making this your main property. You can then turn the other home into a haven for your vampiric friend so he might be able to build a family of his own in a peaceful way. That was her idea, by the way. I am merely stealing it and presenting it on her behalf, as she would fail to move beyond thinking it.”

Eoghan regarded me with a raised brow before giving the devil his attention once more. “As you are determined to make this a reality, just tell me how much I should pay in the correct currency, what terms I should make on the purchase, and how to go about this.”

“Anwen’s parents can’t pay their property taxes because they have spent their money on poor choices. Their various vices. It is their nature. There is something to be said for them. Their example showed Anwen what not to do with her life, and she has done well despite the obstacles in her path. Her parents will lose the property within a month should they not acquire the funds. By purchasing it now and paying off their owed taxes, you will be able to acquire the property and building, free of debt, for a hundred thousand dollars. However, two hundred thousand will purchase you permanent peace, as her parents would move a rather notable distance away using the excess money. Tragedy will eventually catch up with them, but that tragedy would occur in either case. They are not wise people. The only difference is that the tragedy of their choosing would happen a little later in their lives with the more expensive option. This will weigh far less heavily upon Anwen’s shoulders as a result. I seem to have more lawyers than I know what to do with. I will gift one to you for this matter, as doing such things annoys my brothers, as it goes against my most cruel and evil nature. Annoying them is the only payment I need for this.”

I could think of a few things that would ensure there were no accidental debts with the devil. “I will require a coffee date with your wife as payment for putting up with you.”

“My darling would love that. She doesn’t often return to the mortal coil without me, as she has some odd misconceptions about her role as my wife. For some reason, she seems to think if she leaves my presence while here, she will land herself in a great deal of trouble. Her troubles ended long ago. Of course, I may have neglected to tell her that to keep her close to home. I do love when she gets bristly. I keep telling her she can go where she pleases, but for some reason, she doesn’t believe me.”

I could think of more than a few reasons why that would be. “Well, your title is the Lord of Lies.”

“True, true. It’s like people take that seriously. I only lie when it directly benefits me.”

“Wouldn’t smart mortals always take that seriously?”

“You don’t. You stop to think about whether I am being honest or not. It confuses you every time you realize I am being an honest being—but you do consider my every word in search of the lie. My lies are of a more subtle nature. I do lie, though. That is my nature.”

I could believe that, but I always questioned if it was truly his nature—or his duty.

“You’re catching on.”

“Since you’re being so forthcoming about the future, what can you tell us about Hammel’s plans?” I asked.

“That is not something I will tell you. It’s something you’ll have to discover on your own,” the devil replied. “You already have the pieces of the puzzle in your possession. You merely need to put them together in a way that makes sense. You know that the node is here somewhere. You know that it is an object. You also know that it will attract your prey here. You know your prey’s motivations. You can do what you want with him. You have just cause, and all you’d have to do is tell an angel you’d been kidnapped by him to turn any charges into self-defense, especially should he come onto your property causing problems—another reason you would be best off purchasing the property. With a little angelic assistance, the sale could be processed within a few days.”

Two hundred thousand could buy a future, and it seemed so little for so much, although before Eoghan, such a sum would have been an unobtainable wish. “Why is the house worth so much here?”

“They kept refinancing the property to pay for their vices,” the devil replied.

Of course. My parents would. “To the point they have a mortgage and owed property taxes amounting to a hundred thousand?”

“Correct.”

Why wasn’t beating sense into my parents legal? “Dare I ask how much the house cost them? I knew how they got it, but I didn’t know how much they paid.”

“Oh, twenty thousand.”

I slapped my forehead. “Those braindead idiots!”

“It could be worse,” the devil soothed.

“Okay. I’ll bite. How could it possibly be worse?”

“They could cut a deal with that Hammel fellow about you. You might hate them, but you’re a gentle being, and they are your parents. Oh, Eoghan?”

“What?” he replied, and he scowled at the devil. “Unless you’re telling me my two hundred thousand prevents that from happening, I don’t want to hear it.”

The devil laughed. “Yes, it will prevent that future from coming to pass. It will make other futures come to be, but those are consequences you will find easier to handle. And now that I’ve meddled enough to annoy my heavenly brethren, it’s time for me to get home to the missus. I’ll tell her I’ve made a poor bargain involving her, and as soon as she’s done educating me on the errors of my ways, I’ll send her over for coffee, Anwen.”