Page 24 of Grave Humor

“Precisely.”

Well, that made me feel a little better about being rejected by a sex demon. “Do you think your wife would mind me asking for tips? I’m fairly hopeless.”

“I think you’ll find your problems easy to resolve, although you will find yourself besieged with gentlemanly ways. You will find it quite vexing.”

“Besieged with gentlemanly ways?”

Theo leered at me. “Your companion is as old-fashioned as they come. Good luck with that. You’re going to need all the luck you can get.”

I wondered if that meant I wouldn’t be able to lure the hot antique to bed without a fight.

“That is precisely what he means, I’m afraid,” the angel replied. “Humans. You are your own worst enemy. Should you find yourself overly vexed, do give our wife a call. I’m sure she’d love to share the tricks of her trade with you while doing her best to embarrass us.”

“Can angels even be embarrassed?”

“Absolutely,” Dimitri replied. “And our wife has turned embarrassing me into an art. You’ll find her to be a most excellent friend, so try not to be too shy about putting her number to use. Also, you’ll want to get yourself a proper cell phone, Miss Anwen. You’ll need it. If my wife gets her hands on you, you’ll be a changed woman within a week, and it’ll be great fun for her. I live to make certain my wife enjoys her life, so do give her a call.”

Without another word, the pair disappeared, and the sex demon left behind the faintest hint of brimstone in the air. I sniffed, puzzled over the stench.

“Interesting. That was a devil,” Eoghan murmured, and he stepped out of my house to investigate where Theo had been rolling about on my grass. “But why would an angel cohort with a devil?”

“I thought incubi were sex demons,” I admitted. “Anyway, they’re part of a triad. That means they live with a human, and they’re probably going to have a child or already have one. They teach about triads in school, as nobody knows when an angel will show up and fall in love with a woman. Well, usually women. There’s a case or two of a pairing taking interest in a man, but it’s pretty uncommon.”

Ugh. Great. My interest in academics was showing through—an interest I couldn’t even pursue thanks to my dead-beat parents.

“Demon, devils… there is no difference.”

“Actually, there are differences between the two. It’s basic enough it’s taught in school. Devils are born directly under the influence of Satan in one of his various hells or converted into one. Demons are born on the mortal coil, particularly Earth. They have different ranges of powers, but I didn’t pay too much attention. I never expected to meet either a devil or a demon.”

“I see I have much to learn. Let us begin with the issue of your cell phone. What is wrong with yours?”

“Beyond the fact I don’t have one because I can’t afford one?”

“Ah. I see. You can afford one now. Are you up for making a venture to a store? I can call a driver. I was shown how, and Miss Cecily taught me how to access the money available to me. She became quite amicable following our general negotiations.”

“Well, let me see what’s in this briefcase before I decide what I can and can’t afford. According to my finances yesterday, I couldn’t afford jack shit.”

“Today, you can,” Eoghan replied, and before I could argue with him, he disappeared into my house, leaving me to follow.

Six

In good news, there would be honey rocks in my future.

The laptop could run laps around the computer I’d used at the funeral home, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was wasted on me. It begged to be put to better use, including playing some high-end game I’d never even considered buying for myself. Whomever had installed its software had gone on a shopping spree, and it included the kitchen sink. I hoped nobody needed me to understand how to use most of the programs; my job had required little more than word processing and spreadsheets, which I used with tolerable skill.

Eoghan observed, and while his scrutiny unsettled me, he kept quiet, even when I struggled to access the accounts I was supposed to manage on his behalf. To help manage Eoghan’s money, I had a complete set of cards in my name linked to his accounts, along with a note that the CDC wished me the best of luck teaching him how to use an ATM.

The machines startled him, and he didn’t trust most forms of technology.

Fortunately, the instructions on how to manage his accounts helped, which came with a promise of the CDC providing a tutor should I need one. I gave it a few days before I called and begged for help. The nightmare waiting for me would test my patience.

Eoghan had millions upon millions of dollars in his name in his bank accounts alone. According to the account nicknames, he received payouts from stock dividends, profits from property rentals, and real estate. The general earnings account would vex me, as there was no indication what counted as general earnings—or why it had twenty million dollars in liquid funds.

“You’re ridiculously wealthy,” I announced. His wealth would make trying to take him to bed even more of a challenge. Wealthy men tended to suspect poor women, and it didn’t matter if I had wanted to take him out of his clothes before finding out he could pay my salary for the rest of my life and not miss a penny of it.

In good news, there would be honey rocks in my future. There would be a lot of honey rocks in my future. I’d make a point of having a honey rock once a month, and I planned on whispering sweet nothings to it before devouring its sweet, sweet flesh.

“I was wealthy during my last awakening as well, but I find your use of ridiculous to be amusing. Please elaborate,” the antique replied.