Page 43 of Insidious

He smiles at that.

“I think we can do that. But do you feel sad? Lonely? Like you did before?”

I pause and think about it.

It feels … strange. That version of me feels distant.

“Just … tired,” I say finally. “And confused. But not too bad.”

He moves into examination. Checks my pupils. Shines a light. He keeps talking, asking me questions, talking about the godawful weather, about the morning rush to the hospital car park.

“Follow my finger.”

I do.

My head throbs. I want to sleep again, but I keep going.

Finally, he pulls the chair closer and sits, facing me.

His hands are loosely clasped in front of him.

“Your body has been through a lot in the last few weeks,” he says. “Pregnancy, delivery … Your hormones will be all over the place.”

I nod. That part, I understand.

“I understand you’ve been struggling with breastfeeding. Correct?”

Another nod. That part hurts more. I thought it would be natural.

He takes a breath.

“Five days ago, you fell in the bathroom and hit your head. There was a minor bleed on your brain. It’s called a subarachnoid haemorrhage.”

He gives me a moment to digest that while carefully monitoring my expression.

“You were found unresponsive. You had to be brought here by ambulance.”

My stomach twists. Why can’t I remember?

“I understand you called Lily and asked her to come get Amelie. Do you remember that?”

I shake my head slowly.

The absence of that memory scares me.

The doctor is watching me carefully.

“Looking through your history … it appears you were experiencing a severe form of what we call postpartum depression.” He gives me a moment before continuing. “It’s not as uncommon as you might think. We have started you on some medication for that. Just the lowest dose possible. And talking to you today, I think that is all you will need,” he adds gently.

My fingers tighten slightly against the sheet.

“And one more thing…and you need to take this in the context of what you were going through at that time. The reason you fell may have been because you took more sleeping tablets than you were supposed to. But fortunately, not enough to make it dangerous. It was the fall that complicated things.”

My head snaps up.

“No.”

The denial is out without me having to think about it.