Page 103 of Apparently, I’m Trouble

Rochelle buzzed me in. When I stepped into the living room, Kira looked like a small, huddled ball nestled against my sister’s view of the New York skyline.

Her eyes were bloodshot, her cheeks puffy. She’d been crying. I sat next to her, careful not to jostle her as I rubbed small circles on her back.

Rochelle stood to the side, a glass of red wine in her hand, watching us.

“Hey,” I started gently. “You okay now?”

She gave me a small nod but kept her gaze on the ground in front of her. “It’s not Aunt Rochelle’s fault. It just happened.”

My lips pressed into a thin line. Panic attacks didn’t just happen. Something triggered them.

“I know it wasn’t your aunt’s fault.” I looked at Rochelle. “And I’m glad she was here to help you through it.”

Rochelle gave me a small, crooked smile, but there was no heart in it. She was shaken, and that was on me. I didn’t prepare her for this.

I turned back to Kira. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head. “It’s stupid.”

“Hey.” I had to pause to push out the edge in my tone. “Nothing about a panic attack is stupid.”

She glanced at me then, her eyes filling with tears.

“But it is stupid.” She shook her head as I wiped her cheeks with my sleeve. “I had a panic attack because Aunt Rochelle told me I looked happy.”

I rubbed her back as Rochelle handed her a tissue. My sister looked as confused as I felt.

Words tumbled out of Kira. “I’m happy here. I’m happy.”

I shook my head, at a loss. “That’s good. Isn’t it?”

She looked at me, tears streaming down her face, like she couldn’t believe I didn’t already know the answer.

“No. I’m happy without Mom.”

That hit hard. Like a stab to the gut.

My daughter was finally in a stable place–doing well in school, making friends, falling in love for the first time, growing close with her aunt. And the moment she was reminded of all the progress she’d made without her mom, she had a panic attack.

I could understand that. The guilt of finally being okay after losing the one person who had loved her more than she loved herself. It was the same guilt I should’ve felt after falling in love with Mia.

“I can’t be happy without Mom.” She dissolved into rough, heartbreaking sobs, and all I could do was hold her while she cried.

Chapter 41

Mia

SOUTH BRONX CLASSICAL

Monday Morning

Well. Here we were.

I left my staffroom on Friday afternoon with the assumption that I’d get a massage, visit the bookstore over the weekend, and wound up tripping all over Theo’s dick instead.

Well done, universe. Truly, I couldn’t have predicted that on my boozy bingo cards.

I also couldn’t have predicted the thoughts and feelings circling my brain since Theo left my doorstep last night.