Page 95 of Found in Wild Sage

My sigh is long and filled with disappointment in myself. “No. We’re all encouraged to find something we care about and invest in it, but I’ve been a bit tight-lipped.”

“Any reason?”

“I’m not sure. Grant only just decided to fund the library. I think part of me worried they’d feel that since the other parts of my life weren’t settled in a way they valued, I shouldn’t be deciding on that. But I think in reality, I’ve also been a bit hesitant to fail publicly. Or maybe to have them say they don’t understand, because that would break my heart.”

“Settled like married?” She runs a hand along my shoulder and up my neck, then back down.

“Yes.” My eyes slowly close, pleasure from the repeated, almost mindless movement of her fingers lulling me into a daze.

It’s not that I’m touch-averse, but I don’t engage in touching people outside of work-related palpations and such, which is entirely different than affection and connection. Of course, my family requires hugs and pats and such, but being with someone so constantly tactile makes me realize I don’t just enjoy physical touch, I need it.

Even that part of me was withering before Evie.

“Why is that? You’ve mentioned you haven’t had relationships and your family understood you weren’t really open to it. I guess I’m still trying to understand that line of thought.”

My eyes crack open to see her leaning her elbow on the back of the couch, her head propped in her hand.

“I’ve only been in the one long-term relationship I’ve mentioned, and that ended long before I realized it had. In retrospect, I was so blindsided by the way that ended and how awful it all felt, going forward, I was scared of being oblivious. I like things to be orderly and neat, and relationships with other human beings simply aren’t like that. So I abstained.”

Understanding dawns. “So a marriage of convenience was actually the perfect thing.”

A bolt of panic hits. “Well, yes, but not because⁠—”

“Hold on. I don’t mean it in a bad way.” She sits up and takes my shoulders in her hands. “I mean as in, this was the perfect way to lure you in. And maybe also your subconscious or whatever we want to blame it on orchestrating a scenario where you could claim you were in control but really we both know neither one of us had a lid on things.”

She’s grinning wide, like everything makes sense to her now.

“I guess so.” It hadn’t clicked before, but she’s right. I don’t know that I ever would’ve been bold enough to attempt dating her in real life. She’d seemed untouchable and yet I couldn’t stay away. But I didn’t think I could be what she needed until there was a very specific need I could meet.

“Whatever it was, I’m glad. Grateful.”

Her eyes are shining. “Me, too.”

The next day, the clinic is closed to patients while we do a quarterly catch-up before the end of the fiscal year, so I let Evie sleep in and take Charlie to get coffees and pastries from Corner Coffee.

Inside, May’s chatting with a customer as she pulls espresso. There’s a small handful of people already here, which is no surprise for a weekday morning, I suppose. Charlie’s chatting with me and is so excited to see May, his “Hi, May!” rings out and draws everyone’s attention.

“Hello, my little sweetie. How are you?” May grins at Charlie, and again, my heart threatens to burst.

I never anticipated the joy I’d feel when watching my own siblings interact with my child. Maybe there’s an extra layer of satisfaction in seeing them accept Charlie so completely when they aren’t biologically predisposed to after seeing him as a newborn or because they share DNA. But I think it’s mostly because watching them love someone I love so much is a simple human joy.

A few minutes later, I’m working on securing Charlie in the carrier I brought with me so I have hands to carry everything when Kathy approaches.

“Well, hello there.” She smiles at Charlie.

He clams up, perhaps not remembering her, or just not in the mood to perform for someone new.

“Hi, Kathy. How are you?” I don’t particularly want to stand around and talk with her in case Evie’s up, but I won’t dismiss her. It happens too often with older folks, and multiple studies show that social interactions with other generations is beneficial for mental health and memory. Kathy’s likely in her sixties so she’s hopefully not experiencing that dismissal yet, but either way, I don’t mind taking a minute.

“I’m just fine. I heard you had good news recently.”

Does she mean the wedding? “We’re very happy to be married, yes.”

“No, no. I mean the custody hearing. Sounds like you won by a landslide.” She inspects Charlie, who has tucked himself into my chest.

Small-town living has taught me to never be surprised when people know about my life, especially if that someone knows anyone else in my family. Since Kathy is my mom’s newest friend, I’m sure she’s hearing all about every member of our family in detail.

“Ah, right. Yes, we’re very happy with the outcome.”