Page 99 of A Newport Christmess

It was dark outside, and the brightness of the lobby lights suddenly made me feel like I was standing in a glowing fishbowl, waiting to be observed. I ducked behind the Christmas tree. But curiosity pressed too hard, and I peeked around the edge of it like a joke of a spy—or a creeper, depending on how you looked at it. Landon had rolled down the window, and Rachel leaned against the truck, her arms resting on the door, the two of them talking.

He was probably just giving her a ride home after the rehearsal dinner. He was kind like that, and I knew he wouldn’t have said those things to me earlier if he hadn’t meant them—if he had any feelings for Rachel. But Cody had said similar things to me, and that obviously hadn’t turned out well.

Besides, Nikki’s intuition was never off—that was what Tyler had said. What if Landon hadn’t realized his mistake in prematurely falling for me? What if he was only now realizing that Rachel was exactly his type—not only gorgeous and kind, but that she was driven and successful and loved traveling, just like he did. I wouldn’t blame him for having a change of heart. In fact, he probably should. She was absolutely perfect for him. I gripped an arm over my stomach, suddenly feeling like I might be sick. Or maybe that was the hunger and exhaustion.

Rachel stepped away from the truck, shooting Landon one last look over her shoulder and sending a dainty wave in his direction. The automatic doors to the lobby opened. I pressed myself more firmly against the tree, shimmying toward the window but not close enough to be seen by Landon who was still parked in the front. Was he watching Rachel? I couldn’t look. The click of Rachel’s heels sounded on the tile floor. For a brief moment, I saw her shiny, thick hair swaying behind her before she exited the lobby.

I stood there, unable to move, the pine needles pressed to my cheek. I needed to figure out my next course of action, and it couldn’t include Landon seeing me on my rollercoaster of self-doubt. There was always the option of going back to Landon’s and faking sick, insisting he couldn’t see me to prevent him from getting sick, but I was an awful liar. Besides, Landon would probably show up at my door with half a pharmacy and yummy food, which wouldn’t help my current resolve at all. But where else could I go?

My gaze drifted to the woman behind the front desk, who thankfully hadn’t noticed me assaulting her hotel’s tree while I waited for Landon to leave. Or, if she had, she’d decided to pretend she hadn’t. Either way, now that I’d been paid for the centerpieces, I could get a hotel room for the night and ... what? Stay here until I left Saturday? I couldn’t miss Nikki’s wedding—not after everything she’d done for me. And I was supposed to wear Sophia’s dress. But how could I go? There was no way I could be Landon’s date now. No way I could see him in person and still maintain my resolve. If I went, he’d feel an obligation to me that would prevent him from spending time with Rachel. I’d probably ruined everything for him. Everything Nikki had hoped for. She’d understand why I had to miss the wedding when I informed her of my reason. She might even be grateful.

Or maybe I should wait until morning to decide. I could feel myself spiraling, which always led to premature decisions that weren’t my finest.

My phone rang, and Landon’s name lit the screen.

I dismissed it, refusing to peek around the corner of the tree and risk him seeing me.

It rang again.

I didn’t have the willpower to hear him say we could take things as slow as we wanted. I didn’t want to take things slow with him. I wanted to keep following the same rapid trajectory we’d been moving along. And that was exactly the problem. What I wanted to do and what I needed to do were completely contradictory. The moment I heard his voice, I’d blurt out all my feelings and insecurities. I’d forget all reason and rationality. And I’d forget that, one day, he might leave. Or worse, he’d want to leave and he wouldn’t.

A text message it would be. I’d just chalk up my immature response to another example of why I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Quinn: Hey. My phone is about to die, but I just called to let you know I’ll be staying at a hotel tonight. Nothing to do with Cody. I just think it might be better if I do.

I shoved my phone in the pocket of my coat, trying to ignore the guilt that pricked me. The phone rang again.

I pulled it out enough to see his name lighting the screen. My thumb hovered over the dismiss button, but I couldn’t get myself to press it. Landon deserved better than a cryptic text. “Hey.”

“Hey. I’m sorry I missed your calls. My phone was somehow set to silent. Is everything okay?”

There it was again—him asking me if I was okay. And like always, I wasn’t. The evidence was plentiful for why I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. But I couldn’t say that. I simply needed to say I was fine and inform him that I couldn’t go as his date to the wedding. “Actually, I’m not okay.” Oh, great. I knew it. I knew I couldn’t resist his soothing voice and caring tone. I should have dismissed his call again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I hesitated, rubbing a hand over my cheek. “I’ve told you from the beginning, I’m not ready for a relationship.”

“And we talked about that. We don’t have to rush—”

“I know. But I don’t know when I’ll be ready. It’ll probably be years before I’m functioning like a normal person again ...and even then ... Landon, I really am a mess. Cody dated me for five years and wasn’t prepared for what a life with me would be like.”

“Is that what he said?”

“No. He didn’t need to. But when I was leaving, he told me to wish you luck because you’d need it.”

Landon cursed under his breath. “He was mad you wouldn’t take him back, Quinn. If what he said was true, he wouldn’t have flown across the country to try and fix things between you.”

I hadn’t thought about that. Except, jealousy did strange things to people. And that was really why he’d come—because of that darn picture I’d posted. The evidence against me was getting so high it was going to topple over and crush me beneath it. Besides, if it had just been Cody that implied how hard I was to be with, it might have changed something. But it hadn’t been. Both Ashlee and my mom had unknowingly hinted at the same conclusion. “Maybe. But maybe not. I feel like, until I figure a few things out, we shouldn’t date ... each other, I mean.” My hand settled over the ache in my chest. “You’re welcome to date whomever else you want.” Aka, the gorgeous redhead that just got out of your truck.

“I don’t want to date anyone else.”

My heart floundered stupidly. More proof why I shouldn’t have taken Landon’s call. Exactly why I couldn’t see him in person. He somehow made everything seem right in this crazy world. He made me feel like I was right in his world. But I wasn’t. And he’d realize that soon enough. “I’m sorry. I just can’t ... not now.” I risked a glance out the window. The cab of his truck was dark, but I could see the glow of the phone against his lowered head. “Maybe you could find someone else to take to the wedding.” I pulled in a long, slow breath. I wasn’t doing this for me. I was doing this for Landon.

“Are you not coming to the wedding?”

“I think it’d be best if I didn’t.”

The line went intensely quiet, and I waited, willing myself to not confess everything I was feeling in the unnerving silence.