Page 54 of Ruin

And, honestly, it’s been feeling harder and harder to ignore it and pretend like I don’t feel that way when I’m around him.

I pour the mac and cheese into a serving dish and grab the serving spoon. I carry them through to the dining room.

“Dinner’s ready,” I call as I pass through the hallway.

I put the mac and cheese down on the table, which I set with plates, silverware, a jug of water, and glasses before I started dinner. I head back to the kitchen to get the salad and garlic bread I prepared.

When I bring them to the table, Gigi and Zeus are already seated next to each other, waiting for me.

“I poured you a glass of water,” Zeus tells me.

“Thanks,” I say.

I put the salad and garlic bread on the table and take a seat across from them.

Zeus dishes up mac and cheese onto Gigi’s plate for her. Then, he holds out a hand for mine. I pass my plate over and let him serve me. He hands me back my plate, and I put some salad on, too.

Zeus piles mac and cheese on his plate. I’ve had to double up on the food I usually make, as he has a huge appetite. He always has. But then he is a big guy, and he trains a lot.

We eat dinner, making small talk. Mainly, Gigi tells us about her day at pre-K. Zeus asks me about my day at work, so I tell him. And then I ask about his day.

It’s all very domestic. Too familiar.

I know it’s because he’s been spending every night eating with us. But I don’t want Gigi getting too used to it, as it won’t always be like this. Zeus won’t always be here, in Port Washington, to eat dinner with her every night.

Maybe the sooner we tell Gigi that Zeus is her father, then we can figure out a routine for her to spend time with him. One that doesn’t necessarily have to include the three of us being together all the time.

Mixed in with my anger toward him are also memories of the good times and reminders of why I fell in love with him all those years ago.

I’m like an assorted bag of emotions at the moment, fit to explode, and it’s exhausting.

“Thanks for dinner. It was amazing, like always,” Zeus says, leaning back in his seat.

“It was just mac and cheese.” I put my fork down on my plate.

“You make the best mac and cheese, Mommy,” Gigi says.

I smile at her. “Thanks, baby.”

“So, you’ve cooked dinner and fed me every night,” Zeus says. “And, as a thank-you, I want to take you out for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Me?” I squeak, my pulse leaping.

A lazy grin spreads across his lips. “You and Gigi.”

“Mommy can’t go. She’s going out with her fwiend Wich, the policeman, tomorrow night.”

Crap.

The silence is deafening.

It’s like a tumbleweed blowing through the dining room.

I force myself to look at Zeus. His face is clear of expression, his eyes blank.

I hate it when he does that. It means I can’t get a read on what he’s thinking.

“Well, I’m not going out until eight. But…I might be eating later.”