Page 131 of Breaking Hollywood

I should have called him to give him a heads-up, but I just couldn’t bring myself to call him.

Well, he knows now.

The whole world knows.

My cell starts to ring again.

A number I don’t recognize.

“Fuck off!” I yell at my phone, like the person on the other end can hear me.

I should turn it off.

But Speedy might call.

Pathetic, right?

She’s betrayed me. Fed me to the sharks in return for a cash bonus. And I won’t turn my phone off in case she calls.

Not that I would answer. I just want to have the satisfaction of knowing that she called.

She sold you out, you pathetic piece of shit.

I laugh out loud. The sound echoes around my empty apartment, reminding me that I’m alone.

And alone is how I should be. It’s how I should have always been. I should never have gotten involved with her.

I can’t believe how fucking stupid I was. I told her everything. Spilled my guts out like a little bitch. When what I should have done is gotten rid of her. I should have tossed her out on her ass the second I fucked her.

Needing a smoke, I grab my cigarette pack off the floor, but the box is empty.

“For fuck’s sake.” I crumple the box in my hand and toss it aside.

Then, I drag my sorry ass off the sofa and go in search of some smokes. I think there are some in the kitchen drawer.

I go into the kitchen and stop dead, hit with a barrage of memories of her in here, cooking.

I can almost see her here, at the counter, cutting up vegetables for that fucking goat. And that time when she was making pizza, and I moved behind her and slid my fingers inside her—

“Fuck!” I roar.

I shove everything off the counter with my arms, the items crashing to the floor. Then, I’m grabbing anything I can get my hands on. The cups on the rack go smashing into the wall. The pan sitting on the stove goes flying across the room. I pick up a kitchen stool and start smashing it against the wall until only pieces of wood are left in my hands.

“Fuck!” I grip my head in my hands and slide down the wall to the floor as I start to cry.

I’m fucking crying.

I haven’t cried since…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. And, now, here I am, bawling my eyes out like a pussy because of her.

I fucking hate her.

And I love her.

I want her.

I didn’t know it was possible to feel such strong conflicting emotions for one person, but Ava’s shown me that I can.

The first and only woman I’ve ever fallen in love with, and she guts me like this.