Page 34 of Crossing the Line

“Are you ever worried about how your relationship with Leanne might change over time?”

Ryan frowned slightly, but he didn’t look upset by the question. “What do you mean?”

I sighed, my gaze shifting back to the couple on the beach as I dragged a hand through my hair. They were hugging now, and maybe that should’ve made their relationship clearer, but it didn’t. Friends hugged sometimes, right? I hugged Kelsie all the time.

But I didn’t really do that with my other friends, did I?

“Damien, what’s going on in your head? You look like you’re trying to figure out the meaning of life.”

That sounded about right.

“You know that my parents are divorced,” I said. I pulled my eyes away from the strangers, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to look at Ryan at the moment. Instead, I focused on the constant movement of the water. “Well, you know how some people with kids get divorced but stay friendly enough to co-parent for the sake of the kids? That’s not what happened with my parents.”

“They don’t get along?”

My chuckle was humorless. “That’s an understatement. They hate each other. Honestly, I don’t know how they ever got married in the first place. My earliest memories are of the two of them fighting. Hurling insults at each other and yelling so loudly that the neighbors called the cops more than once.”

“Shit, man.” Ryan’s voice was rough. “Did they hurt each other?”

“Not physically. But let’s just say that they were toxic together. I was seven years old when they split up, and maybe it should have been a relief. They weren’t living under the same roof, so you’d think I wouldn’t have to deal with the anger anymore, right?”

Ryan didn’t say anything. I glanced his way, and he was watching me with a grim expression.

“But they still had to interact because of me, and let’s just say that it was a complete shitshow,” I continued. “So, my entire life, I’ve seen the way that a relationship can go bad, the poison that can affect the lives of everyone involved. And I just… I don’t know. I’ve never wanted that.”

“That doesn’t always happen. I think it’s fair to say that your parents weren’t meant to be together.”

The sound that escaped me was a broken cross between a scoff and a laugh. “No kidding. And with that stellar example they set for me, it’s no wonder that I’ve never had much luck in relationships.”

“You mean Amy?”

Amy was the last girl I dated, and it was a while ago. We were together for about a year, and I was even with her when I first met and became friends with Kelsie. I thought we were solid, that we had a good connection, but it turned out that I was wrong about that.

“It’s not your fault that things crashed and burned with her,” Ryan said. “She cheated on you, and that says a hell of a lot more about her than it does about you.”

“What it tells me is that relationships are difficult. Things go bad, and people end up hating each other. It happened with my parents. It happened between me and Amy. It’s just not worth it.”

“It doesn’t always turn out that way.”

I felt a flash of guilt for talking like this the night before Ryan’s wedding, but I needed to get this off my chest. There was an urgency building inside me, telling me that if I didn’t figure out my shit soon, I’d lose Kelsie for good.

“It’s a risk,” I insisted. “Being with someone like that changes things between you so that if it doesn’t work out, you lose them forever.”

“Only if it’s not the right person for you.” Ryan’s voice was so sure, so full of confidence. “Relationships don’t have to end badly or at all. And they don’t have to be hard. If it’s right, it feels good. Leanne is my person. My best friend. I have no doubts about the future because she’s it for me, no doubt about it.”

Best friend.

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Leanne because she was his best friend. I thought of Kelsie and the bone-deep fear I felt at the thought of ever losing her. That was why I clung to our friendship so fiercely.

“I… Fuck, I’m a mess.” I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and buried my head in my hands. “I think I gave up on relationships a long time ago, even before Amy. Yeah, she cheated, but what I never told you was when I confronted her about it, she blamed me. She said I was emotionally distant, that I always held part of myself back from her.”

“And you think that’s true?”

I shrugged, then nodded. “Maybe. I don’t know. I thought we were fine until I found out about the other man.”

“Fine,” he repeated the word, and it felt heavier. “That’s not great. That’s not happiness.”

“It’s not messy either,” I said, thinking about hearing my mom screaming at my dad while I hid away in my bedroom, clutching a stuffed bear to my chest and wondering why they couldn’t just get along. I couldn’t remember how young I was, but I remembered thinking that I never wanted to be like them. Never wanted to be so miserable with someone.