Page 125 of Tell Me Something

I forced myself to walk slowly to the restroom when all I wanted to do was run. Once I was alone in the stall, I felt myself start to panic. This wasn’t what we had discussed. He was changing things after we had agreed. Doing it publicly just made it even harder to understand. It was tempting to sneak out the door, but all of these people had come for me. I couldn’t possibly do that.

“Haylee, you still in here?” It was Catherine’s voice.

“Yeah, just finishing up.” I flushed the toilet and pasted a smile on my face.

“You all right?” She studied me as I came out of the stall.

“Yeah. Are we okay, Catherine? I didn’t know that Josh would say that and—”

“We’re fine, honey. He told me last week as he didn’t want to take me off guard, and I’m happy for you both. Sincerely. It’s a testament to how he must feel to make a speech like that, something so far out of his comfort zone.”

I nodded, knowing she was right. Josh was an introvert who valued his privacy.

“I just wanted to check on you. Josh wanted to make sure he didn’t scare you off. I assured him that you were probably just processing.”

“Yeah, I was taken off guard.” I washed my hands and returned with her a short time later.

The rest of the night was a blur as I engaged in conversation, smiled when appropriate, and finally said my goodbyes to everyone. Josh took my hand on the way home and thankfully left me to my thoughts until after we arrived.

“Are you all right?” he asked as I turned to go into my apartment off of the elevator.

“Yeah, fine. I just need to change.”

He gave me a small smile and kissed my hand, letting me go into my space while he went into his.

As soon as my door shut, I leaned against it, fighting the anxiety that was threatening to crawl over me and take over. I changed quickly into my cashmere pajama set and then lay in the middle of my bed staring at the ceiling.

I heard Josh come in a short time later, not bothering to knock. His weight on the bed came before his voice. “Talk to me.”

I sat up and saw the concern in his eyes. “Why did you make it sound like we were continuing things in your speech?” My voice was quiet even if my mind was screaming.

His eyes softened, and he took my hand. “Baby, wasn’t it obvious? I took you on our first real date. I had you meet my mother. And tonight I made it public. You said you wanted more, and I’m showing you I can give you that.”

I swallowed hard. “But we had agreed that once I left— I mean we want different things.”

“I know we did, and I know it took a hell of a long time for me to figure out I want more. But I love you, Haylee.”

I felt the tears. “Josh, I don’t—I don’t want this,” I whispered.

Hurt flashed in his eyes. “Help me understand. I thought you loved me.”

“God, I do, but you and I eventually won’t work out.”

“Why would you say that?”

I couldn’t continue sitting so close to him knowing that he was hurting, so I got up and paced. “It’s the truth. We want different things. You don’t want marriage. You don’t want children.” I was firing off excuses and didn’t understand why he couldn’t grasp that he was only making things more difficult. I’d hit rock bottom before. I didn’t need to do it again, eventually grieving yet another loss. I wouldn’t survive trying to get over Josh Singer a year from now if I was already about to lose it now.

He shoved both hands through his hair. “I feel so strongly that the commitment between two people is much more than a piece of paper. As for kids, you know I can’t give them to you naturally.” He got up and crossed toward me. “Could we just agree to do the long-distance thing for a while and see where things go?”

“For every day that we prolong the inevitable, it just makes it more difficult to walk away.”

“What are you so scared of?”

His rising temper made my stomach feel sick. “I’m just a realist. Breaking things off now is hard enough. Having to do it three, six, twelve months from now would just be too much.”

“What can I do to prove that I’m in this for the long term?” His voice resonated with a touch of vulnerability.

“There isn’t anything anyone can do. Sometimes it’s out of our hands.” My voice was resigned. I thought of my parents and the fact that they hadn’t wanted to leave, but they had. No one could prove they were in it for the long haul, because no one really knew.