Page 47 of The Gaybor War

Linda Marks (Social Committee Chair)

…and your friendly Neighborhood Watch Captain, Benji Stewart!

Quote of the Month:

"A community that always rises to the occasion!" – The Morningwood Motto

Chapter 15

I’m perched on the edge of the couch, newsletter in hand, a mimosa dangerously close to tipping over, while the girls crowd around like I’m about to reveal the secrets of the universe.

"Read it, Benji," Candace says, dragging her UGG-clad feet closer. "I need to know what I’m working with."

I clear my throat and dramatically unfurl the page as if it’s a scroll of ancient prophecy.

"Rise and Shine, Morningwood!" I announce, giving it the kind of gravitas usually reserved for a royal coronation.

"It’s shaping up to be a big month for community spirit! Please remember that all shrubs should remain below three feet in height (we know how Morningwood likes to grow )."

Malia snorts. "Oh, my God. Shrubs."

Shania leans in, squinting at the header. "Is that… a winking emoji?"

"Yes," I hiss. "They put a winking emoji in a PDF. I swear to God, somebody’s doing this on purpose."

I continue. "Thank you to everyone who came early to last week’s neighborhood cleanup. Your dedication keeps Morningwood beautiful!"

I throw my hands in the air. "Came early. Keeps it beautiful. I can’t breathe. The dedication, the enthusiasm—it’s suffocating."

Candace fans herself. "You’re dramatic."

"Dramatic?" I gasp. "This isn’t drama. This is fact."

I hit the next section.

"Landscape rocks muddy with pollen. Two things that often get overlooked during pollen season are rocks and doors. Wash and polish your rocks and knobs."

Shania chokes on her water. "Your… knobs?"

"Yes," I squeak, glaring at the page. "Holy Christ. They’re telling us to polish our rocks and our knobs. This reads like a bad porn script. I can’t even. Morningwood is turning into Fifty Shades of Landscaping."

Malia is practically bouncing. "Do we have to actually… do that?"

"Sure," I deadpan. "Have your husband hit mine while he’s at it."

I keep reading, striving to keep a straight face, but the chili cookoff undoes me.

"They can’t be serious," Kiki chokes. "They want to taste our spicy meat?"

Shania giggles, taking a huge sip of her drink. Malia snorts so hard she nearly inhales her straw. "I’m never unseeing that sentence."

"I’ve already seen too much," I say solemnly, tapping the page. "And yet—I press on. Because I am brave."

Kiki wipes her eyes. "Read the rest. I need to know how deep this goes."

I scan ahead, my mouth flattening. "Oh no. Oh, no." I look up slowly. "Potluck lunch. Bring your best dish and show everyone what you’re really good at handling."

The room explodes. Shania collapses sideways against the arm of the couch. "They did not."