Page 68 of Say My Name

This is what Elena asked for. I agreed because the clinic lets her decide how close I get, and I meant every promise I made about consent. Saturday doesn’t change that.

I still hate sitting in a chair while strangers take her into another room. I provided a sample. Elena gets the appointments, the monitoring, the procedure, the waiting, and every consequence if this works. The contract can divide our legal responsibilities evenly. It can’t move any part of the procedure into my body or make her carry less of the risk.

The locked door opens again, and Elena walks out with her coat over one arm and the instruction packet in her hand. Her face is composed, but her fingers have pressed a crease into the edge of the packet.

I take the packet when she offers it, then hold her coat while she slips it on. My knuckles brush the back of her neck as I lift her hair free from the collar.

She goes still for half a second.

So do I.

“Ready?” I ask, my voice steadier than I feel.

“Yes.”

We leave the clinic side by side without discussing Saturday night. In the elevator, she looks at my hands again.

The clinic tells us to wait twelve days before the test.

Elena follows the instruction exactly. She doesn’t ask me to speculate about symptoms or give anyone at work a reason to know we’re waiting for a result. I know because I pay attention, and because she manages the distance between us with exhausting precision.

The morning after the procedure, she sends me the revised acquisition analysis before seven. At the executive meeting, she challenges two projections without looking at me any longer than she looks at the other people around the table. I do the same.

By Wednesday afternoon, we’ve worked alone in my office for nearly an hour. She sits across from me with her laptop open and the clinic’s folded instruction sheet visible inside her notebook. Neither of us mentions it. When she finishes reviewing a marked-up report, she places it on the desk instead of passing it directly to me.

I take the report after she withdraws her hand.

On Thursday evening, we attend a client dinner at a restaurant three blocks from the office. Elena orders sparkling water with lime. No one at the table questions it, and I make certain my own drink order doesn’t draw attention to hers.

She notices. Her eyes meet mine over the rim of her glass, and for one second, I’m back in the West Loop bar with my hand at her waist and her thigh pressed against mine. Then the client asks her about integration costs, and Elena answers without missing a beat.

The following Monday, I add a private hold to the personal calendar Evan maintains for me. The clinic’s tentative appointment for her next cycle is scheduled for just over two weeks after we’re supposed to receive the result. I don’t ask Elena whether she still intends to use it.

She stopped us on her couch, saying sex would change what existed between us. I keep the appointment on the calendar because she hasn’t said otherwise, even if I hate what it means.

By the eighth day, even an ordinary meeting with Elena requires effort. She pauses at my office door, then comes in. I move to let her pass and catch the faint scent of her perfume. She keeps walking. I close the door without touching her.

We discuss a staffing decision for twenty minutes.

When the meeting ends, she gathers her papers and says, “You can stop being careful every time we’re alone.”

“Can I?”

Her fingers stop on the edge of the folder. “Professionally.”

“That’s the only way I’ve touched you here.”

“I’m aware.”

The way she looks at me brings back her legs around my shoulders, her hand at the back of my neck, and the moment she said wait and trusted me to do it.

I lean against the edge of my desk instead of closing the distance. “Then tell me what you want me to change.”

She opens her mouth, but footsteps sound in the hall. Elena reaches the door before the person outside can knock.

On the eleventh day, I see her standing at Maya’s desk with her phone in her hand. She checks the screen, puts it facedown, and asks Maya a question about the next morning’s schedule. Her confirmation appointment is before work. She has followed every other instruction, so I trust her to wait.

We finish the day without being alone again.