Page 38 of Ashes to Ink

Abby looked Ryan right in the eyes, and he swallowed hard,knowing that she didn’t talk about Max like this often. He was going to listen,and he would treasure it for what it was.

Trust.

She was trusting him with this part of herself, and he wasgoing to do his best not to take that for granted.

“I thought my life was over when I lost Max. But it wasn’t.The cancer that he had when he was a kid came back more than once. But it cameback the hardest that last time. It wasn’t one of those cancers that you see aribbon for, or one of those that you can buy a can of soda and think you aredonating when you really aren’t and can think everything is fine. Because youknow that nothing is fine when it comes to cancer. They call it the Big C andmake all these slogans and say that everything will be fine if we can just finda cure. But they can’t. Not yet. There’s so much wrong with the world, but thefact that we can’t figure out how to save someone in the prime of their life?Sometimes, I feel like that’s one of the worst.”

She shook her head, and Ryan stayed silent, reaching out forher when she came close in her pacing. She didn’t move away from his touch, andfor that he was grateful.

“Max met a friend when he was in treatment. Someone that heknew from back in his first treatment days. That’s how I met the Montgomerys. Murphy Gallagher had cancer, and he lived. Oneof the nurses at the outpatient center was actually marrying into the Gallaghers, so she dealt with Max more than Murphy becauseof the conflict of interest and all that. But anyway, the Gallaghershad already married into the Montgomerys up inDenver, and then I met all of the Montgomerys afterMax’s death. And if you think the Montgomerys here inColorado Springs are large, they’re even bigger up in Denver.”

He nodded, his eyes still on hers. “I know a few of them, soI get it.” His lips quirked into a smile but he knew it didn’t reach his eyes.

Between talking about drugs and death, it was kind of hard.

“Max was supposed to be fine. The cancer was going away, andthe treatments were working. It just took such a toll on his body. He was sotired all the time, but he always laughed. I loved his laugh. It was just thisbig belly laugh that made you smile. And even if I didn’t find whatever he waslaughing about funny, I always joined in because of that laugh. And so, when weknew that the treatments were going better, even if they were taking more of atoll on him than usual, we planned to get married. We were going to have ourJulia, and we intended to invite the Gallaghers andthe Montgomerys to our wedding. They were probablygoing to outnumber Max’s family, and since I didn’t have any family of my own,they were really going to sprinkle into both sides of the aisle. But it wasfine. We were making our own family. We were making our own future.”

She wiped a tear from her face and looked up at him. “Maxhad a blood clot. A one in one hundred chance when it came to the drug that wassupposed to save his life. That blood clot moved through his heart right infront of me. He looked right at me, his eyes wide, and I knew. He knew. He knew.”She repeated. “I loved Max with everything I had. And he died right in front ofme. I know they say that he probably didn’t feel much pain, but I heard thesound of his voice when he died. I saw the way his body went tight. How hisskin turned ashen. I saw the way he clutched at his chest. I know he diedquickly, but there was pain. And I saw it all. They were really afraid that Iwas going to lose the baby right then because I fell to my knees, screaming.”

She let out a breath.

“People helped me. I don’t remember who they were. I justremember looking at Max and knowing he was gone. That he wasn’t going to raiseJulia, that he wasn’t going to be the dad that I wanted him to be. He wasn’tgoing to be with me at the altar saying our vows as we dealt with an infant.There wasn’t going to be anything more.”

“Abby, you don’t have to continue.”

“No, the hard part’s over. Well, at least that hard part.Because Max was gone, and we weren’t married, and even though he had filled outa lot of paperwork to make sure that I was the power of attorney, there were alot of other things that I couldn’t do since I wasn’t legally his wife. Butnone of that matters anymore. In the end, I had the little bit of money that wehad saved for each other, and I moved down here to try and start a new life.Because you know what the hard part of having those around you fall is?”

He shook his head, wanting to hold her but knowing that sheneeded to be strong right then.

“The hard part is living. Because that person’s gone.They’re not coming back. And you have to live. You have to go through themotions, through the paperwork, through the next day and the next. You have toremember to drink water. You have to remember to take a breath. And I had toremember to do that for two. I was alone in the room with nurses and doctorswhen Julia was born, but that was because I wanted it to be just me and Julia.I knew Max was in the room with me, even if he wasn’t there physically. But Iwasn’t alone, not fully. The Gallaghers were in thewaiting room. And then the Gallaghers and the Montgomerys helped me move down here. Oh, I tried to pushthem away. I tried to do things on my own because that’s what I thought I neededto do. It isn’t until just recently that I realized that I really can’t doeverything myself. But I’m learning to ask for help. Because I’m living. I’vegone through grief. I’m still going through it day by day. But I’m okay, Ryan.Because I had to be. Because I want to be. And I’m telling you all this not soyou can cry with me or feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this because I knowyou’re grieving, too. You’re losing Michael a little more each day, and yet itisn’t like with Max when he was gone in that instant. You lose Michael everytime he comes back into your life. And I know it’s hard, but you’re living. Youhave a job, you have this house.” She paused. “You have me. If you want.Because you have me. Because you’re not losing me. Okay? You don’t have to loseme.”

Ryan looked down at her steady hands. Steady. Not shaking.She was so damn strong. “I’m not going to tell you that it’s a different kindof grief because you understand that. You, more than anyone, know that. But Idon’t want to lose you, Abby. I never wanted to lose you. I was just afraidthat if I had you, Michael would ruin it.”

She took a step forward, putting her hand on his chestagain. He loved it when she touched him, loved everything about it. “Then don’tlose me.”

And so he kissed her again, knowing that she had taken ahuge step for him, and all he had to do was take that step with her.

He kissed her more, holding her close as she leaned intohim. “I want you in my life, Abby. I want every part of you.” He knew they werejust starting, that they had so much more to give, so much to learn about eachother, but this was the first step.

He wanted more with her, but he knew that they would figureit out.

Together.

“Then take me,” she whispered.

So he did.

First by slowly stripping her out of her clothes, then doingthe same with his own. He lowered them to the soft rug he had in the livingroom, gently licking at her skin. She arched for him when he cupped herbreasts, then panted when he touched her between her thighs.

They made love on his rug, surrounded by a roaring fire withsnow falling outside. He plunged into her after getting the condom from herpurse, each of them sucking in a breath as they both fought not to comeimmediately.

She bit his jaw, and he rocked into her, wanting to go slowbut knowing that it wasn’t easy when it came to Abby.

She licked his neck, and he thrust again.

Then she slid her hand between them, cupping him at his basebefore sliding him over her wetness.

And then he moved faster, harder, and they both came,panting each other’s names even as they continued to move, clinging to oneanother as if they only had each other, like there were no worries in theworld.