Page 49 of Break My Heart

I stare at the screen for a long moment, the weight of it settling into something deeper. A decision.

I’m not sure if I can let go of what he said, but I can listen to his explanations. I didn’t do that before. I just kicked him out of my life and tried to move on.

But if I don’t have answers, how will I heal?

Me:

You’re annoyingly wise this early in the morning.

Aio:

I contain multitudes.

A breath of laughter slips out.

Me:

I’ll keep you updated. Going to create a group with us and the girls.

Aio:

Please do. I haven’t had the chance to connect with them in a while.

Plus, they tell stories with less emotional repression.

I lock the phone, setting it back down on the nightstand. For the first time since I saw that I’d be working with Apex Orion, I don’t feel anger or anxiety.

I feel curious about what this did to the people we were and who we are now.

Maybe Aio’s right. I’ll never be able to erase what happened. But I need to decide what matters more: holding onto a grudge or finding answers.

It’s worth finding out.

18

LOAD SENSITIVITY: CAR BEHAVIOR CHANGES UNDER STRESS:

Location: Bahrain

Bahrain isn’t like the United States. This isn’t somewhere I can disappear into the background without thought. Here, I’m aware of myself in a different way—the quiet expectations that exist even inside the sanctity of Formula One. My outfits are looser, shoulders and knees covered at all times, because being here as a woman means conforming to their cultural expectations.

I start my morning by typing a message in the group chat I created for Maya, Amy, Emery, Aio, and myself.

Me:

The heat in Bahrain is not my friend. I’m tempted to steal someone’s Dude Wipes.

Their lack of sympathy ranges from funny to hysterical.

Maya sends me a GIF of Emma Stone sobbing from Easy A.

Amy remarks it’s my punishment for staying in five-star hotels.

Emery sends a picture of herself with a stoic expression, captioning it, “This is my shocked face.”

Aio breaks the whole chat by asking if I’m experiencing “desert snatch soup,” which causes me to choke. After I catch my phone from hitting the floor due to my fumbling it while laughing, I read:

Maya: