Page 87 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

She blinked at me slowly. “Blair, darling, we literally just took over a Biwbanian research center complete with hovercrafts with gunners on them. The only reason we weren’t lit up is because we’re too expensive to shoot.”

Oh shit, we did.

“Wait, why didn’t you mention that before the men left? They could’ve taken them.”

“Because all of the men are freakishly tall, and the Biwban are not. You’ve ridden in one of their hovercrafts, right? The back seat has cargo space, but that driver seat is tiiiny.”

I thought back to when Osid and I had been crammed into the back seat of one of those hovercrafts after we were captured. There were only two of us, and I felt packed in worse than a sardine. I didn’t bother to look to see what the legroom was like in the front seat, but seeing how small the Biwban were, it was probably more like a clown car than anything.

Dory continued, “If I had mentioned any of this to Lok beforehand, I’d have been tied up and stashed away somewhere under the guise of protection.” She said the last word making air quotes. “But we can handle ourselves, and this is our fate too. Lok refused to tell me anything about King Iltith, and there’s nothing, I mean nothing, that man loves to do more than talk. Which means that he’s probably one sick fuck. Whether we like it or not, Frittata is our home, and none of us are about to let some selfish prick come in and run roughshod over us.” Dory stood and dusted herself off, then held out a hand to me. “So, you can keep staring at the sunset, or you can join me back at the courtyard. Intern agreed to show us how to use the hovercrafts in exchange for us vouching for him when the feds come knocking.”

Saying his name appeared to summon the blue Biwban in question, and he flew over to rest on Dory’s shoulder. “Stop calling me Intern, I told you I’ve been promoted.” He puffed out his chest, clearly pleased with himself. “You may now refer to me as Agent Cupid.”

Dory snorted as she helped me up. “There’s no way I’m doing that.”

“Ugh, fine,” he snapped. “But if it means I don’t spend the rest of my days rotting in the waste stalls of Volaxia, then yes, I’ll show you how to use the crafts.” He poked a clawed finger at her chest. “But don’t forget to tell the Federation how much I’ve helped you!”

Sunbeam leaned over me. I slapped a hand over her mouth. “Do NOT eat him.”

She slammed her tail against the ground but relented. “If you are off to battle, is it safe to assume there will be fresh corpses for the eating?”

“You’re such a big back, and I love you.” I looked between my surprisingly bloodthirsty companions, and a slow grin spread across my face. “But yeah, I’d say that’s a safe bet to make.”

Chapter 33

Osid

Tactically, we should have the advantage. The mountain ridge was the easiest path to get to Dulba without the threat of Death Valley or the terror wings that roamed most of the eastern plains. I had anticipated this, of course, and had hidden pockets carved into the mountain for occasions such as these, and all of Lokbaatar’s men had found positions that obscured them from view.

The Roamcrest hated this plan. As wanderers, they were more used to their open plains and fighting atop their mounts with spears. But beasts were a burden on these jagged mountain roads, and subterfuge was our best course of action.

I shifted the pack of mud off my back and placed it at the mouth of the narrow crag I chose to hide it. Beside me, Lok grunted as he adjusted the straps on his armored vambraces.

He caught sight of a flash in the trees farther ahead. “They’re here, just around the bend.”

Even now, it was odd to think I was about to enter battle with the general spear aimed at my enemy and not my back. Strange planet, stranger changes.

“There,” Lok grumbled, pointing down the winding pass.

The enemy forces emerged. At the front, King Iltith sat astride a finback, its yellow fangs bared. The beast’s breath fogged the air as it snarled, muscles coiled beneath its thick scar-riddled hide.

King Iltith himself wasn’t much better looking. Even from this distance, I could see the ruins of his face: The left side was covered in a burn scar, the eye completely white. His armor was maroon, etched in the gashes of conquest. His gauntleted hand gripped a long black whip with barbs on its frayed end.

Behind him was a party of five more riders with beasts just as nasty looking as the first. I recalled the finback rider that led the invasion I’d squashed in Riverbend. If he had access to that many beasts under his control, then it was plain to see how he had dominated most of the east coast. But monsters that bulky wouldn’t do well in a narrow ravine like this.

Lok signaled for his archers to get ready.

King Iltith raised a fist—his column halted. His one good eye swept the cliffs, and for a heartbeat, I could’ve sworn he looked right at me. Then he grinned, a wide, ugly thing with too many teeth missing.

“Loose,” Lok roared.

A hail of flaming arrows sliced through the air—only for his shield bearers to snap into formation, their interlocked wall deflecting the volley with a chorus of metallic pings.

King Iltith threw back his head and laughed.

“Is this any way to treat your guests, Osid?” His voice dripped with mockery. “And here I thought we could be civil about this. Look, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t give a damn about your territory. You are simply in the way. Let us take the females, and we’ll be out of your hair.”

Lok bristled beside me, his massive body coiled.