Page 26 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

Sighing, I unhooked the clasps from my shoulders, leaned forward, and dragged the heavy metal off me. I’ll need to have the chamberlain see to polishing it as soon as we return. Without all the tools and comforts of Sankatul, smithing on this planet was a hard and difficult profession, and any scrap of metal, be it the king’s armor or a serving knife, was a precious commodity and must be looked after properly.

A single guttural warble drew my attention to a hideously misshapen terror bird. Swooping lower, it dipped its odd upside-down beak in the water before flying off.

I watched it go. Its pink featherless body looked as if it shouldn’t be able to fly, yet there it was.

“North, is it?” my head fell back in the mud. That settled it, then. The beast was flying home to its master. To think such a misfit-looking thing would be so useful. I knew King Iltith had to have some kind of cunning behind that rageful idiot demeanor, but to find a perfect way to transport bombs like that?

Brilliant.

When I take his head, I’ll have to remember to find and spare their beast master.

Blair stumbled to her feet.

“No, stay down,” I commanded.

Her feet slipped on the bank, and she slid back down beside me.

“See? That’s what you get for—Blair, no. Why are you getting up again?” I reached out and grabbed her by her collar, but my strength was gone from pulling us out of the current. She shook me off with ease and shimmied her way up the bank. “Stop!”

Blair hoisted herself up and gave a triumphant shout. She dusted herself off, turned to stick her tongue out at me, then fled into the tall grass.

Chapter 14

Blair

I woke up cotton-mouthed and groggy in a cluttered storage shed. The air in the cramped room spun with thick, heavy dust. My vision cleared in slow waves, and I could have sworn the metal bars around me were breathing.

“Wait, bars?”

I tried to sit up, but my muscles screamed in protest. Blinking rapidly, I focused on my surroundings, my heart stopping when I realized that I was in a cage. My jacket was hung on a coatrack too far out of my reach. Through the window, I could see soldiers passing by the battered wooden fence of Osid’s fortress. Which was not at all where I had fallen asleep last night. I think…

“That motherfucker!”

Words could not describe how pissed off I was.

Scratch that. Yes, they could.

“OSID, I WILL FUCKING END YOU!”

I screamed for the kidnapping bastard to show himself, ready to tear that asshole a new one, but he never came. Instead, I was stuck waiting in my cage like a neglected pet. My only consolation was watching a few of the guards get knocked the fuck out by a wild triceratops that busted through their stupid shitty fence.

When the sun sank low in the sky, I did the only thing I could do: I slept. They couldn’t keep me in this cage forever. And I’d need my beauty sleep for when I broke loose and burned this place to the ground.

I woke up to a lion standing over me. Which was the worst way to wake up, and I should know, given my last few days. I didn’t recommend it at all. Nor did I recommend you start swinging on that lion. Because guess what? Every haymaker and uppercut you got ain’t gonna do shit to a lion but piss him off.

By the time the lion had its claws on my legs, my screaming had attracted the attention of the guard outside, who did nothing. Absolutely fuck all but poked his stupid scarred face in to smile at my demise before turning away. My hand reached for my gun, only to flail uselessly at my side. I looked around for it wildly, remembering far too late that I had been stripped of my jacket.

“Stay away from me!” My fist struck an ear. Snarling, the lion slammed its heavy paw down on my arm and leaned closer. I turned my head away, sealing my eyes shut as I waited for death. The hair on its long mane tickled against my neck as my heart hammered in my chest. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I screamed.

Wet, stank, nasty sandpaper scrapped against my open mouth.

“BLARPH—WHAT THE FUCK?” I cried, shoving the big cat off me. He tasted like rotted meat and old gum. I spat and frantically rubbed my face against a fistful of my T-shirt. “What the fuck? What in the actual fuck?!”

“Can you speak now?” asked a deep voice.

I slowly turned my head toward the voice, only to see the lion. I looked past him and saw another woman sleeping in the cage behind him. “Am I…still high?”

There was no way the acid lasted this long. What did Beau sell me? That overzealous country bumpkin. This was what I got for buying from hillbillies. They always made their shit too strong. What was going on in those hills that they needed to make their acid strong enough to rival the greed they talk about in the Bible?