Page 25 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“Yes, my child,” said the tempest. She spread her pink wings wide and took to the air. Wind gushed around her until she fused with the sunlight, rejoining the beautiful swirl of life that we all belong to. A beam of sunlight illuminated my face as she spoke once more. “All shall live and perish by your decre—”

“Blair!”

“YOU’RE INTERRUPTING THE WIND!” I screamed, whirling around to find Osid a mere ten or so feet below me. His eyes were wide, almost wild in a way that could have been panic or rage. Hand outstretched in offering, he pulled himself higher. I saw his lips move, but my ears were black holes again, and all I could hear was my own indignation at a man having the audacity to interrupt me when I was feelin’ myself. “Go away!”

Osid

“Get back here, there’s a bomb on the dam!” I leapt to grab her, but the insufferable little wretch shimmied higher up the dam, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was about to get us both killed. The log beneath my hooves gave way to gushing water. I grabbed onto a branch and hoisted myself to a more stable perch. The dam groaned like an old beast ready to be put down. I heard a crack, followed by the telltale hiss of a bloated button ready to pop. Green smoke rose from various spots among the debris as my heart thudded in my chest. There were at least three plumes of smoke in total; it would only take one of them going off for the whole dam to blow. “Blair, you’re going to die!”

She wasn’t listening. Blair was grinning ear to ear as she climbed even higher, straight toward one of the smoking plumes. There was no way she couldn’t see that freakish bird spit them out, but was it possible she didn’t know what they were? And since when did birds regurgitate bombs? This rotted hoof of a planet just got worse each year.

It didn’t matter. I needed to grab her and find cover fast, or we were both dead. I shook my head, forcing the weakness back into the dark where it belonged. Planting my hoof into a moss-covered log, I climbed higher until I was mere inches from my quarry. Even with all her obstinance, Blair’s smaller stature made catching up to her easy. “Biesabu!” I shouted over my shoulder. “Toss me the net.” I held out my hand, but nothing came. “Biesabu!” I called again. But still no answer.

Snap.

Blair’s arms flailed wide as she fell backward. By sheer luck or divine intervention, she managed to catch herself before falling to her death. It wasn’t until she hugged herself tight against the branch she clung to and eased both feet back onto solid wood that I realized I wasn’t breathing.

“By the Ashen Sisters, get back here!” I tore my eyes away from her to shout for Biesabu to hurry up with that damn net, but he was nowhere to be found. “Biesabu!” I called, scanning the ravine for any sign of him. The craven bastard must have run off!

“Shit, shit!” I heard a crack of another bloated button. Each step Blair took away from me felt like a clock ticking upon the final hour of my life.

I can’t die here. There’s still so much I need to do. The Sankado people were still scattered among our small bands. Even the once mighty Dulba empire had been reduced to a paltry kingdom, or well-guarded encampment, at best. Meanwhile, the people responsible for our fate are holed up in some glimmering tower, spying on us from their little flying cans. I don’t know why they dropped us here on this strange planet, but I know for certain that they are the same people who dropped that spaceship on Sankatul. They destroyed our home, decimated our people, and left our women to die. My spirit won’t rest until we’ve burned down their glimmering tower and taken all they have as our own.

“I can’t die here.” I told myself. But when I tried to climb down, my body refused to move. I glared up at the reason for my hesitation, but Blair was laughing now. Laughing! As if this was all some big game. Maybe to her it was. “If I can’t die here, neither can you.”

Blair

I swung myself up to another branch. “Look at me, fitness queen. All those days in the gym toiling away for my bad-bitch stage-ready body and I’m crushing it. Who says vanity doesn’t pay? Idiots. Ne’er-do-wells. Them hoes over there who ain’t me and never could be me cause I—”

That damn man’s voice was still floating around trying to speak to me.

“What do you not get about a one-night stand? This is the most awkward and convoluted walk of shame I’ve ever had, and I went to art school, so that’s saying something. I’ve seen things that would make you weep.” I hooked my leg over the next crag of jagged rocks, breathing deep as I hoisted myself up. My fingers slipped on the wet rock, but I didn’t stop. I was almost at the ledge. So close I could almost reach it.

Past the swirling colors and singing flowers, I could hear Osid’s voice ring out again, breathless but more insistent. My jaw tightened. The last thing I needed was his drama right now. Let him fight off his own assassins and drag some other poor soul into a battle.

I glared down at him. He beckoned me closer; the look of pure, unadulterated stress on his face made the gesture look more threatening than anything.

“Yeah, I don’t want to do that. I’m just gonna go.” I jabbed a thumb at my destination, then waved him goodbye. “Again, this was a one-off. I’m more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kinda girl. It’s not you, it’s me. Go away.”

As I said it, I felt the world beneath me shift. The loose rocks and debris started to shake, like the wall itself was having a nervous breakdown. I swallowed down my nerves, planting my feet carefully as I pulled myself up higher.

A gust of wind howled across the ravine, tugging at the fabric of my jacket, and whipping my ’fro all kinds of crazy places, but I was too focused now. Stretching out, my fingers scraped the edge of the ledge, and I planted my foot higher and pulled myself upward, straining against my aching limbs. My shoulders and legs burned in protest, but I ignored it. The ledge was right there.

Just a few more inches.

I threw an arm over the ledge and managed to rest both my elbows on solid rough stone. I smiled in triumph, ready to pull myself all the way up, but then—

BOOM.

Osid

Perhaps I was meant to share the same death as my father. Murdered in cold blood by a scorned woman. What exactly I had done to Blair to warrant such ire was a mystery to me, but it must have been significant for her to lead me directly into a bomb field.

By rights, I should kill her. Instead, I dragged the suicidal woman to the bank of the river we’d been blown into and collapsed into the mud. Beside me, Blair’s peaceful slumbering face contorted into a frown, which was all the warning I got before she spat water all over my breastplate.

“Naturally. Why not at this point?”

Blair let out a coughing fit before she rose enough to rest on her elbows and expelled the rest of the water from her lungs.