Page 61 of Ride or Die

Cole releases another sigh, meeting my eyes again. “This is all new to me, Clara. I ain’t ever felt this way about no one before, but with you… it’s constant and it’s real, and it’s scary. And I ain’t scared of much but fuck, I’m scared of whatever the hell this is.”

I stare at him for a long moment, seeing just how overwrought he is. I want to say something, tell him that I feel it too, whatever it is, that it’s raw and terrifying, and everything I know I should probably be avoiding like the plague right now. But I’ve never been good with my words either. So, the best I can offer is, “Do you want a beer?”

Cole’s pent-up body seems to sag at the mention of a beer. “Yes. More than anything.”

I can’t fight my smile as I turn and wave for him to follow. “Come on.”

With a beer in hand, Cole and I sit on the porch steps, existing together for a long moment, just the two of us. Neither of us says anything, despite the myriad of admissions and confessions that hang in the silence. We’re close, too. Closer than we probably need to be, but he’s not moving and neither am I.

“We’re staying in Summer, by the way,” I finally say, looking down at my beer. “Indefinitely, I mean.”

“You are?”

I nod, smiling to myself. “I enrolled the kids in school today.”

“Wow,” Coles breathes out. “I know that’s a big deal for you, Clara. I’m… I’m really fuckin’ proud of you.”

Despite the heat of my cheeks flushing from his praise, I turn my head to meet his eyes. “I promise we won’t squat here in your house forever,” I say with a laugh. “As soon as I have enough saved up, I’ll look for a?—”

“Clara,” Cole interrupts, a small smirk curling his lips. “How many times I gotta tell you. This place is yours for as long as you want.” His gaze is heavy and intense as it bores into mine. “I-I like havin’ y’all here.”

My brows knit together as I search his eyes. “You do?”

“Yeah. For the first time since I bought this place”—he glances back at the house—“it feels like a home.” When his eyes meet mine again, there’s something uncharacteristically vulnerable in his gaze. “And I ain’t ever had one of those before… a home, I mean. So it’s kinda nice.”

I have to force myself to tear my eyes from his because the air between us is thick and the way his focus keeps dipping to my lips, I’m a flurry of conflicting emotions.

Staring out over the yard, a breath shudders through me, and I take a sip of beer to try calm the nerves and the excitement and the trepidation and the doubt that is all warring deep inside of me.

“Cole, I—” I stop myself, licking my lips and rolling them together while I think of my words. It doesn’t matter because I know that whatever I say I’m going to feel like an idiot, so I close my eyes a moment, swallowing what I can of my self-doubt.

“I think I like you too. I mean… IknowI like you, but you’re just… You’re so young, and I have my kids to think about, I…” I trail off, at a loss because it feels like none of my words are making sense.

“Clara,” Cole says my name like it’s a desperate plea. “I know I’m young. I’m not denying it. But I also know what I want.And… it’s you. You and them kids. For the first time in my life, with y’all around, it’s like everything feels… right.”

My eyes widen at that confession, and I need to remind myself to breathe, my eyes bouncing between his, detecting no hint of a lie.

“I’m just…” I shake my head, trying so hard to work through whatever this is. “I’m scared. Every man I’ve ever trusted has found some way to try and… rip me apart from the inside out.”

“Clara, I would never,” Cole grits out. “You have to believe me.”

I turn, meeting his eyes. “I do believe you, Cole. I really do. But… I believed all the others too.”

Cole’s dark eyebrows pull together, a crease burrowing between them as he stares at me for a long pause, eyes flitting between mine. “What can I do to prove to you that I’m nothin’ like those assholes from your past? Name it, and I’ll fuckin’ do it.”

As I look at him,reallylook at him, I know there is no answer I can give him and I think that’s because deep down, beyond the doubt and the painful memories of what has happened in my past, I know he won’t hurt me. Cole’s the first man I’ve ever felt truly safe to be around.

“Just… Please go slow with me,” I say on a low, tremulous whisper.

Cole lifts a hand, tentative and slow as he cups my cheek, his thumb stroking my skin as his eyes continue searching mine. “Baby,” he whispers and I lean into his touch and close my eyes, reveling in the way he says that.Baby.

“Look at me.”

My lashes flutter open and I find his eyes again. I’m momentarily taken by just how earnest he is, by the tenderness of his touch.

“Baby, if you give me a chance, I promise you”—he shakes his head slowly—“you’re in charge. Always. Call me a fuckin’ pussy but I will do whatever the fuck you want or need me to do. You just say the fuckin’ word.”

I reach up and place my hand over his as he continues stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb, my whole body going lax with just how easy this is.