Page 48 of Tell Me I'm Enough

He shrugs, takes another sip, and points out into the crowd of people. “That’s her right there, dancing.”

I look over to where he’s pointing and see a girl dancing, long black hair, a bit of an edgy vibe, pretty face, pretty body, pretty cool style. Chase doesn’t really have a taste, so it makes sense. Then I see the girl she’s dancing with—Simone. I can’t help butjust watch her. She’s laughing, hair falling over her shoulders, lost in the moment. There’s something about the way she moves—so free, so light. Like she doesn’t have a thousand weights on her shoulders.

For the rest of the night, no matter how many girls find their way over to me, my eyes never seem to stop finding her.

15

Simone

I have carefully planned and curated my entire life. Ever since I was a little kid, anything I wanted to do or dreamt of, I made happen—I wanted to do ballet and convinced my mom to let me go to one of the best ballet schools in Atlanta. I even found scholarships for the school, so they could afford it—I got the lead role in many recitals and was always one of the strongest dancers in my class, even when we moved to Charlotte. I wanted a new computer one year and found every neighbor who would let me do yard work or clean their house to earn enough money to buy it. I wanted a sister more than anything, and although I never got one from my parents, I got Lydia, and that was close enough, if not better. When I met Tyler, I knew he was the one for me. I had this vision of the perfect boyfriend and the perfect life together—us being the couple who met as kids, fell in love, and grew up to get married one day.

I wanted the picture-perfect story for my life, and Tylerchecked all the boxes to fit into that with me. He was smart, sweet—a little shy—but so driven. He wanted to be a lawyer just like I did, and all I could see in beaming lights was “Power Couple of the Century”. Two kids who came from nothing and made it big in life.

There have been many wrenches sadly thrown into that dream, but the worst one was when I found out he would be going to a different college than me.

Like me, Tyler grew up lower-middle-class. Our families weren’t well-off, and we never had college tuition covered. We knew from an early age that whatever dreams and careers we pursued, we would have to find a way to make them financially happen on our own.

I was okay with that; like I said, everything I’ve ever wanted, I made happen. I knew I had the grades and academic record to get me into most of the colleges I had my eye on. Of course, Lydia and I had always dreamed about going to A&M together, so it was always my top-picked school. Tyler applied there, too. We applied to all the same schools…so I thought. It wasn’t until he told me he had gotten a full-ride scholarship to a school in California that I hadn’t even applied to that I found out he was okay with his plans not including me anymore.

I got into every single school I applied to, so with grants and scholarships covering all my expenses, and Tyler going to the University of California, Los Angeles, and Lydia getting into A&M, it was a no-brainer to accept my spot in Texas.

I’ve hidden a lot from Lydia about my relationship. Honestly, I’ve hidden a lot from everyone. Like I said…I’ve always had my life planned out. To everyone around me, I was this picture-perfect girl who had her life together. I had the personality to please everyone; I could be the life of the party everywhere I went; I got good grades; I was involved with the community; I was the friend that would be there for you at the drop of ahat; my relationship looked perfect on the outside, and I had perfected the image everyone else saw.

Yet…I was completely empty inside.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tyler—love—IloveTyler.

I think.

But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be loved as wildly, as passionately, and as boldly as I’ve always dreamed about.

I’m almost nineteen, and Tyler and I have been together for almost five years. I guess…I guess I just keep wondering when that fire will grow. When will I be good enough for him to be head-over-heels for? When will I be more than just the easy choice, the one that looks good on paper, the one he doesn’t have to put much effort into?

I’m sitting in our dorm on my bed, hair still wet from my shower, putting product into my damp curls, and holding my phone to my ear with my shoulder. My laptop is open, and I have my notes spread out on my bed, ready for a Saturday morning study session once I finish talking to Tyler.

The phone rings three times, and then I hear his voice on the other end—warm and still a little sleepy. “Hey, babe.”

“Hey…I’ve missed your voice.”

“I’ve missed yours. Sorry, I’ve been so busy this week. Catch me up.”

I smile, excited to tell him how things have been going. “Well…you’re officially talking to a Delta Gamma sorority sister,” I squeal, excited anytime I get to say that out loud.

Rushing for a sorority was just another one of those things I had my mind set on doing, and of course, I made it happen.

“Dang, girl. Look at you. I knew you would.”

I smile into the phone, cheesing a little too hard. “Yeah, we had our mixer party last night to get everyone new introduced to each other.”

“How was that?”he asks.

“So much fun! Well, the partying part was. I made Lydia and Lani come. But I had to be there a lot earlier to set up, and I got paired with some sophomore frat guy from the Sigma Chi house, which our house apparently works with a lot. The guy was a complete ass to me most of the time, bossing me around and being a dick during setup.”

“Douche.”

“It is what it is,” I say. “I didn’t even think about him again once we started partying.”

That’s kind of a lie…