Page 25 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Hey, man!”

I look at him in the rearview mirror and laugh. “Sorry. Gotta strip down for the beach! Who’s ready for a little pre-gaming before tonight?”

Jackie looks over at me from the passenger seat. “Do we need to stop by and get more drinks?”

“I’ll call Max and ask what he needs us to bring.”

We spend most of the day riding waves, hanging out on the pier, and sneaking drinks whenever we can. Luckily, Max lives on the coastline, so no drunk driving. I’ll just crash with Jackie in one of his spare rooms after the party and head back home in the morning.

Not like anyone will be wondering where I am. No one ever cares or checks in.

By the time the sun starts setting, we’ve got a bonfire on the beach going and drinks in everyone’s hand.

The longer I try to mask my feelings, the louder they get. So the louderIhave to get to overpower them. I’ve become the loudest in every room but the quietest when I’m alone. I don’t talk about my feelings anymore. I just hide them behind a smile and fake a good time. That’s what makes everyone else around more comfortable.

I’m sitting on a blanket between the fire and the waves when Jackie comes over and sits on my lap. I move my arms around her, still holding on to my beer.

She brushes some of my hair out of my eyes and looks down at me. “You good?”

“Of course,” I lie automatically.

She gives me that knowing look. “You wouldn’t tell me anyway.”

I don’t need her poking me right now. “I said I’m fine, Jackie. Just have a good time.”

“I know you’re lying.”

I roll my eyes, not wanting to talk about my feelings when I’m here tonothave to feel anything.

Jackie is good at parties and people and feelings…I’m not.

“I’m just tired,” I tell her. “That’s all. It’s been a long day.”

“Let’s grab some drinks from in the house, then? Maybe find a room?”

Normally, I’d be all up for sex as the solution, but right now, I’m still too sober, and the thoughts are still a little too loud.

“Let’s just get some drinks right now. I’m not really in the mood.”

She huffs, and I can see her try to hide the hurt, but I can’t bring myself to apologize or care. I wish she would just try comforting me without sex…however that looks.

She gets up and tells me she’s going to get drinks, and I tell her I’ll be in there in a moment.

I just stare out at the ocean, tipping my beer back and hating the way it tastes, but begging it to help.

I’m tryna have fun, Mom. I am. It’s just…I don’t know how to have fun when I don’t even know how to be happy.

I forget Jackie is waiting on me, and I realize I’ve been sitting out here talking to some of the guys for probably way too long.

I tell them I’ll catch back up with them, that I’m gonna go find Jackie, and get up to head into the house.

Inside, I grab a couple of shots and shoot them back, needing more than beer to help tonight. The room spins, and I get pulled in several different directions, making me forget what I even came into the house to do.

Senior year of high school really got me out of my shell a bit. Maybe it was just not giving a fuck anymore, or maybe itwas how loud I started to get with my humor and personality. It attracted people nonetheless.

“Mase!” a guy calls out over a crowd of people. “Come take a shot with us!”

I’m moving towards them when I feel a pair of small hands grab me. I look down to see a girl trying to pull me to dance with her, and I just give her an excuse as I keep walking over to the guys.