Page 19 of Tell Me I'm Enough

If my heart could literally beat out of my chest, it would probably be on the ground right now. I know it doesn’t make sense that she would want me, especially when every guy in the school is always trying to get with her. But people don’t see how we are together.

They don’t getus.

* * *

We’ve been lying on the couch for a couple of hours, watching whatever shows she puts on as her parents scramble around the house, trying to get ready.

Eventually, she gets up to answer a call and walks into her kitchen right as her parents come in and tell her they’ll be back soon. She waves to them and keeps talking on the phone. Whenher back is to me, I pull out my wallet and check for the tenth time that the condom is still there. I quickly close it and stuff it back into my pocket when I hear her hang up the call.

She walks back over to the couch, and when I think she’s going to sit back down with me, she just stands there instead, reaching her hand out for me to take. I don’t ask any questions; I just let her lead me wherever she wants.

Her room is everything a sixteen-year-old girl’s room would be—posters on the wall, purple sheets on her bed, and stuffed animals all over the place that she still hasn’t grown out of yet.

I don’t really know what’s happening or what to do, so I just stand there. I’m starting to freak out a little, wondering if this is actually happening.

Am I about to have sex for the first time?

The nerves are taking over and making me second-guess everything.

Does she want to have sex?

Did I read all the signs wrong?

What if I have no idea what to do?

I mean, I’ve watched porn before, but what if I suck? She’s been with other guys before; she’ll probably know—

She takes my hand and pulls me closer, laughing a little. “Are you nervous, Mason?”

Hell yeah, I am.

“Nah,” I laugh out, trying to play it cool.

She takes the collar of my shirt and twists her hands in it. “I know you’re a virgin. It’s okay. I can show you what to do…”

I’m so turned on that I’m afraid I might finish before we even get started.

I need to pull myself together. I can’t be the lame guy who doesn’t know how to be cool about having sex. I also want her to know I like her for more than just this, though.

“Delilah…I really like you. I want you to be my—”

“Shh,” she whispers, cutting me off with a kiss. “We don’t need to do that. Just enjoy it.”

I can’t think straight. I just move my hands to her hips, and she moves her hands to the hem of my shirt, pulling it up over my head and throwing it on the ground. She steps back and takes her shirt off. I’m just standing there, staring at her as she unclasps her bra and lets it fall to the floor. I feel stuck. Frozen like a deer in headlights.

She walks back closer to me and guides my hands down to the button of her jeans, and we take them off of her together. She places her hand on the waistline of my pants, and I think I might pass out from the nerves.

Get it together, Mason. It’s just sex. You know the basics…right? Just go for it.

It doesn’t take long before we’re in her bed—me trying to figure out what I’m doing and her guiding me, showing me what she likes.

I feel seen in this moment. I feel wanted. And I want to give that feeling back to her. I do everything she tells me and let her set the pace while still trying to be confident, even when I get nervous and mess up or keep stopping to ask her if she feels okay, or ifitfeels good, or if I’m doing this right. She just giggles every time and tells me it’s perfect.

* * *

The rest of the weekend passes by, and I don’t hear from her once. I’ve texted, called, and even driven by her house like a crazy boyfriend—which I’m not, since she didn’t let me ask her.

I’ve come up with every scenario in my head as to why she could be ignoring me. Maybe she had a family emergency, or her phone died, and she didn’t have her charger…or…or anything.