Page 183 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I don’t know what I was thinking.

I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to have sex with one of my best friends, and everything could still be…the same after.

I’m not stupid; I can’t lie to myself and say I don’t like Mason. I do. I even…love him—as a friend, of course. I mean, I don’t know if that correlates romantically, but it’s definitely not looking good in that department—not for my heart.

I was just so wrapped up in the lust that’s been building between us, and every thought I’ve had of Mason’s hands on me, that I didn’t think about the consequences. About how my heart is being set up for another round of knives to it like it was with Tyler.

It just…it feels so good with him. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I guess that’s what happens when you go from losing your virginity with someone and both of you just trying to figure out how it all works—and one side being more concerned withtheirownpleasure rather than learning what feels good for you—to being with someone who has alotof experience.

That’s the part that scares me. How long can this friends-with-benefits thing actually last before he inevitably finds someone more attractive, more willing, and less caring than me? How long can I act like I’m not being so dumb, falling for someone so soon? How long can I enjoy the high that he gives me before the inevitable comedown?

How stupid do I look that all I can think about right now is seeing Mason today? Even if I have to hide the way my mind and body so easily light up around him because other people will be around.

At least there’s the distraction of the charity car wash today to make it all a little less obvious and a lot less embarrassing.

That’s the only reason I’m up at this time of the morning—to be anywhere he is.

I have three other Gamma girls in the car with me, driving to the other side of campus, where all the frat houses are hosting their annual car-washing fundraiser. I think this is the most excited the girls get all year. No one has stopped yapping about who they want to see shirtless and all sudsed up.

“All I want to see are Tanner and Mike’s eight packs firmly pressed against my window,” Lucy says, twisting her hair and grinning from the back seat like a literal schoolgirl.

“I’ll take Tank,” Chloe laughs.

Emily pokes her head up between the two front seats and turns towards me. “I need you to put in a good word for me with Mason. I know y’all are all buddy-buddy now. You’re all…” Shethinks for a moment, then snaps her fingers. “Buffy and Xander vibes.”

“Or Meredith and Alex,” Chloe suggests in a high-pitched voice.

I shake my head, laughing, trying to play off the actual internal reaction I’m having right now with them talking about Mason—about Mason and me.

“Have you two…ever hooked up?” Lucy asks with the biggest grin on her face. “And was it mind-blowing if you did?”

I almost choke. “What? No. Ew. No, we’ve never…no, we’ve never done anything.”

Yes, we have…and yes, it was mind-blowing…and no, I don’t want to put in a good word for you or anyone else with him.

“I was just joking,” Lucy says, giggling. “You two act more like siblings sometimes.”

“Yeah, exactly,” I agree, hoping the expression on my face doesn’t give me away.

“So…will you?” Emily asks again.

I try to clear my throat and shake off the way I really just want to tell her to back off. “Um, yeah, sure.”

That most definitely will not be happening.

When we pull up, it’s already pure chaos. All I see are shirtless boys rubbing their bodies along all the cars and laughing as they dance and put on a show for everyone to watch.

When it’s our turn, Tanner walks up to my window, and I roll it down.

“Ladies,” he says, scanning to see who all is in the car. “It’s a lovely day to support a good cause and have a little fun doing it.”

“The fun part is what we’re here for,” Kate tells him, giving him a look like she wants to climb him right here in the parking lot.

Tanner smiles and winks at her before turning back to me. “It’ll be twenty bucks, girls.”

I pull out my wallet and hand him a twenty, then he directs us to pull up to one of the open spots.

My eyes find Mason, and he’s already looking at me, waving us over so we’ll be in his bay.