Page 60 of More Than Friends

I don’t answer him. I make my way to the kitchen and begin to prepare a bottle. When I look down at Ava, I find her watching me with a smile.

“Is this funny to you?” I ask, whispering even though I know it isn’t necessary. If Jude followed us, I would’ve heard his footsteps. He’s all the way on the opposite side of the house, thankfully.

As if she can understand me, Ava lets out the smallest little laugh.

I groan. “Oh, so itisfunny to you. I’m glad you think me catching feelings for your dad when I absolutely shouldn’t is hilarious. Well, it isn’t funny to me, baby girl. What am I going to do?”

Ava’s no help because all she does is laugh, having no idea how serious it is that somehow in the span of a few weeks, I’ve gone from caring about Jude as a friend and knowing we’re better off that way, to getting to know him on a deeper level and starting to fall for him anyway.

THIRTY-FIVE

JUDE

I sworeI was only going to answer a couple of emails before taking Ava from Charlotte and allowing her to actually have a break after getting off work, but when I stepped out of my office and made my way down the hallway to the living room, Charlotte had Ava laughing so hard that I didn’t want to disturb them.

For a few minutes, I stood there and watched them. My heart ached, seeing them together. It’s clear how much she loves Ava, and seeing her interact with my daughter makes me feel things I shouldn’t. A few weeks ago, I felt so much guilt that Ava wouldn’t have a mother in her life.

Now, that feeling is forgotten. For Ava’s sake, I wish her mother had wanted to be involved, but I know it’s for the best that she’ll have no memory of the mother who didn’t want to be in her life. Ava is still a very lucky little girl because she has Charlotte. I can’t even be jealous that Char is getting belly laughs out of Ava—far louder than I’ve been able to—because it’s just so sweet to watch the two of them together.

Instead of interrupting their time together, I backed away and dove into more work. I hadn’t even realized a couple ofhours had gone by until I looked out my office window and saw the sun setting.

I pull my glasses from my face and sit back in my office chair. I let out a loud sigh as I think about the plan Charlotte came up with earlier. Tomorrow, I’ll be leaving Ava alone with her while I leave the house, and I know I should feel nervous about it—and I do—but not because I don’t trust Charlotte. I just haven’t really left Ava alone fully yet. Charlotte’s watched her for me, but I’ve always been around. Tomorrow will be different, and while there are nerves that come with that, I am excited to get back to Pembroke.

I’m ready to tell more people about Ava. Because of Charlotte—and finally telling people, like my parents and Cal—I’m realizing it’s okay if I don’t give every detail of how Ava came to be mine to others. All they need to know is that she’s my daughter and that I’m excited for the rest of the world to meet her. Eventually, I’ll have to explain it to the bigger social scene of Manhattan, but for now, I can dip my toes in by just telling those at Pembroke.

And then there’s the party on Friday with Charlotte.

I called it a date as a test, to see if maybe things are changing for her the way they are for me. Her reaction made it feel like maybe it is, but I’m still too nervous to ask that outright.

The reality is that I want Charlotte. I want her in any way she’ll give me, and it’s getting harder to accept her as just a friend. There are so many reasons why she and I should never cross the boundary we set between us, but the more time that passes, the more it feels like maybe I’ve had it wrong since Ava came into my life. I drew a line between us because I thought it was the right thing to do. Now, lying to her—and myself—about how my feelings for her have grown deeper doesn’t feel right at all. It feels wrong.

I pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to think through the last few weeks. It’s felt like a whirlwind, and I haven’t even had time to process it all. I’ve been so busy—and rarely alone—that I’ve been able to push a lot of things to the back of my mind.

Now, they won’t stay silent any longer.

Sitting alone in my office, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I were honest with Charlotte. I have no idea what my life will look like with Ava, and I’m terrified about what Charlotte sees as her future, but I’m also trying to live in the present. I want to live in theright now.

And right now, I want to tell Charlotte the last thing I want to be is her friend. I want to see if we could be more, and I don’t want to keep trying to prevent that from happening. I just don’t know if that’s what she wants, and I don’t know if I have the nerve to ask.

It’s unknown territory for me.

Women typically come to me. Their feelings formoreare obvious. They chase me, and that’s all I’ve ever known. It works. I smile at them, and they eat out of the palm of my hand.

Until Charlotte.

She brushed me off from the moment we met. It didn’t used to bother me. It was still fun.

Now, if she told me that she isn’t feeling the same way I am, it’d crush me. I wouldn’t be able to brush it off and pretend that it’s fine. She’s the first woman to ever have the power to hurt me, and I don’t know how to handle that.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to do her bedtime routine or if you wanted me to.” Charlotte’s soft voice pulls me from my thoughts.

I try not to jump. I was so locked into thinking of her that I didn’t even realize she walked in holding Ava.

I immediately stand up and take my daughter from her. Ava melts against me instantly, and the tightness in my chest I feltwhile thinking about Charlotte disappears. “I can put her to bed. Go take a break. I’m sorry I got lost in work. I didn’t mean to make you watch her that long.”

Charlotte smiles. She stands close to me, close enough that she can reach out and run a hand over Ava’s hair. “It’s fine. You needed to work, and us girls had a good time together. I am going to finally get out of my work clothes, and I told my sister Carly I’d call her tonight while she’s at home visiting Mom and Dad, so I’ll probably go do all that if you’re fine with Ava.”

“Of course. I’m sorry again that I took so long.”