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She turned on the cold water, stuck her wrists under the stream of water and laid her head against the cool mirror.
She’d tried to ignore the heat building in her. She should have had a few more hours before it became this bad. Before her breasts swelled, her nipples becoming so sensitive that her bra was painful. Her clit was so swollen, so engorged, it was touching the silk of her panties. Each move she made was agony now.
Part of her was cold, chilled to the bone and aching for Del-Rey to wrap his arms around her, and another part of her refused to ask, to beg for what she needed. She had made the first move. She had ignored Sofia’s insults to begin with, then she had made the first move and initiated that sexual adventure they had taken. She was forcing back her pride and trying her damnedest to make up for the past months, but it wasn’t easy.
And while that ice collected, she also burned. It was terrifying. Hot and cold at the same time. No, not just hot and cold. Icy and blazing. It was affecting her ability to think, to hold on to her composure and restrain herself.
Composure was everything. If she was going to take her place at Del-Rey’s side, then she had to prove she was competent and able to make decisions when needed. If she let the mating heat do this to her, then she was going to fail.
She almost whimpered at the thought. The way she felt right now, she couldn’t help him do anything but roll around in bed. What if they were attacked? What if Base was in danger? How could she do what she needed to do, and know Del-Rey had faith in her to do it while he and the other Coyote soldiers defended the inner caverns?
He wouldn’t be able to trust her. She would be a liability again. Something to fuck. That would be the extent of her worth to him, and she couldn’t bear that.
“Coya?”
She straightened quickly at the sound of Hope’s soft voice behind her. Dammit, she should have hidden herself before she gave into the ragged emotions filling her.
Straightening, she quickly shut off the water and pulled free several paper towels to dry her hands as she turned to face the other woman.
“Lupina.” She smiled back at her friend. “Do you ever feel strange as hell when someone actually calls you by your name?”
Hope’s lips tilted with charming amusement. “It’s according to the person. I’m Hope to many, but I’m also lupina.” She shrugged. “I’m the same person, no matter the name they use.”
“True.” Anya smiled as she inhaled slowly. “I’ll get out of here for you.” She headed for the door.
“I stopped in to talk to you.” Hope’s statement had her pausing.
“Why?”
“Brim informed our head of security, Jacob, that you were no longer on the hormone treatments, even those that still the more painful effects of the heat. You don’t have to suffer, Anya. The base hormonal therapy controls the pain and conception until you’re ready for it. What you were taking before controlled the
heat itself. You have a choice in this.”
Anya breathed in more roughly this time. “I made my choice, Hope,” she whispered, staring back at the other woman intently. “It’s just . . .” She swallowed tightly. “It caught me off guard.”
Hope stared back at her in disbelief. “The heat is terrifying,” she said. “I know well how bad it can be. Until Kiowa’s mate, and then you to a greater extent, allowed our doctors and scientists to track how it works within our bodies, we knew that horror every month. We could feel it coming before we cycled, then as soon as that was over, we were hit with the mating heat cycle. And that doesn’t even count that first month of mating, when it’s like a vicious claw tearing at your mind and your body. It doesn’t have to be that way.”
Anya stared back at the lupina, the pain in her chest nearly brutal as she swallowed back her tears.
“What happens,” she said, “if I’m not able to get to your doctor? If Base is on lockdown and we’re under attack? If I don’t know how to handle it, then how do I help Del-Rey? How do I keep from becoming something he has to protect above all things, rather than someone that can help him? You learned how to work through it; I’ve heard how well you take care of your duties, even in the middle of mating heat, while Haven is under attack. How you’ve worked within the secured areas to make certain everything is running smoothly while Wolfe and the others fought back the attacks. How can I do that, if I don’t understand how to control my own body?”
“And being more than just a lover is very important to you, isn’t it, Anya?” Hope said gently.
“Isn’t it to you?” Anya asked, confused. “You were raised in Wolfe’s labs. We’ve seen what awaits them if they’re recaptured, what they came from. Protecting Del-Rey means everything to me.”
“You didn’t feel that way eight months ago,” Hope pointed out.
Anya turned quickly away from her as she ran her hand over her forehead and propped the other on her hip.
“I couldn’t think then,” she whispered before turning back. “All I knew was the anger and this fear that only grew day by day. For three weeks I lived in this horrific little world where I couldn’t control so much as a single thought.” She shook her head as she shoved her hands in her pants pockets and stared around the feminine little outer room that led to the toilets beyond. “I fought through puberty to control my temper. Once I had it conquered, suddenly there was something worse that my body and mind could do to me, that I couldn’t control.” She blinked back her tears as she stared at the lupina. “And I blamed him, when I shouldn’t have. I don’t like that about myself, and I’m damned sure not going to let it happen again. But I’m also not going to let this reaction to what’s going on between us make me a liability to him.”
Hope tilted her head and stared back at her. “Because you used your logic, your composure, and the challenge you knew it would present to the Breed to draw his notice to you,” she guessed. “Now you’re terrified to let him see the real you.”
Anya flinched. She stared back at the lupina miserably.
“I berate my bodyguards for maneuvering me into the position of coya. But I knew what they were doing, distantly, in a place where I didn’t have to admit it to myself. I knew, because
I used the same wiles to make him notice me, to make him want me, to trust me. He thought he was choosing a woman that could help him establish his freedom. Instead he found he had married a child that couldn’t accept the changes in her life. I don’t want him to learn that she grew into a woman that can’t even control her body long enough to make a rational decision.”
