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I wrapped the discarded sheet around my body so it was covering my breasts and stood from the bed but didn’t move toward him.
I’d never had a problem with wanting to cover my body, but Kieran had a way of making me feel more exposed than being naked ever could.
Damn vulnerabilities.
Damn my heart.
Damn him.
“Tell me what I said that was so wrong.”
For nearly a minute, he stood there with his back to me, slowly rolling the small blade across his fingers before he tossed it on the dresser.
“I can’t remember apologizing to her for anything. Ever. Except maybe at the very end.” His voice was soft and dark and held an ache that I felt deep in my chest. “It nearly destroyed me when I lost her, and she was an assignment.” He looked over his shoulder, his expression guarded. “But you? I wanted to hate you and I couldn’t.”
I tried to ignore the way it felt like a hole was opening up inside me. Because this was going to end badly.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
He turned fully to look at me, his chest rising and falling heavily. “I apologize because I’ve never been more aware of how much I’m hurting someone. I’ve never been more aware of how much danger I’m putting someone in. All I know is how to hurt people, and I’m terrified of hurting you.” He looked at me with a tortured expression. “You think I’m only afraid of what’s inside me? Jessica, I’m fucking terrified of losing you.”
A stuttered breath ripped from my chest. “Kieran . . .”
He raked his hands over his face and shook his head. “And the fucked-up thing is, I already know I will.”
How could he—
He couldn’t.
“You tell me what I need to know, but you’re still so guarded. You disappear like you need to remind me that I can’t hold on to you.” He took measured steps to where I stood, stopping a breath from me. “I know I can’t.”
He didn’t reach for me.
He didn’t turn me.
He just stood there trembling as a look of anguish filled his eyes. “It’s instilled in me to protect. But I have no doubt protecting you would push you away, so I’ve been trying to give you every reason to want to stay. And I still manage to fuck up every day with you. Hurt you. Scare you. So, yeah. I’m apologetic.”
My eyes burned, but I forced back any wetness that gathered there.
I had to do this. He would never understand. He would never let me go.
“If only you knew I’ve wanted to start over every day with you just so I could experience it all again for the first time.”
If only you knew it can’t stop what’s coming.
Kieran’s anguished look was replaced with doubt.
“There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make you understand that y
ou’ve been apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. For demons that aren’t yours.” My voice dropped to hide the slight waver in it as I moved by him. “But you’d never hear me.”
He didn’t try to argue.
He didn’t say anything at all.
I crossed the room and dropped the sheet as I searched for one of his shirts since mine was once again ruined. Once I was covered, I grabbed my shorts and shoes from the floor and pulled them on.
When I turned, Kieran was facing me, expression unreadable, body unnaturally still. “What are you doing?”
