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“What are you doing?” I said against his lips.
He stilled and drew away, sat up and shook his head like he was coming to his senses. “It’s ridiculous idea, no? You and me?” Ruby ran a hand through his hair and sprawled back on the floor. “Oh, Ash-lee, Ash-lee. Ash-lee. You love Liam. I warned you. He doesn’t love anyone.” He looked over at me. “I’m sorry, girl. Is very sad.”
“Not sad.” I sat up, brushing dust off my leotard. “Our relationship ran its course. Not that we ever had a real relationship.”
“You keep saying that. You and Liam both. Liars.”
“We didn’t. We were always going to end things. It was just a little uglier at the end than I expected.” Ugly. Miserable. Horrifying. I felt sad, but also strangely free and clear. I didn’t want to be with any more guys who made me feel bad.
Rubio leaned up on his elbow, his face lighting with a sudden thought. “Hey, Ash-lee. Come with me to the party tomorrow. To Liam’s.”
“Why the hell would I go to Liam’s after what just happened?”
“To make him jealous,” he said, growing more animated with every word. “You go to Liam’s to show you don’t need him. That you are not at home crying into your pickles. You go with me.”
“Crying into my pickles?”
“Maybe he’ll see what he’s missing and he’ll think about how he hurt you.” He batted his eyes. “Me, I won’t play with you too hard. No whips. Maybe just a pink crop like the glitter kinksters use.”
I pushed to my feet as he reached to grope my breasts. “What the hell is a glitter kinkster? Stop touching me.” I was about to give a resounding no to his offer, but then I pictured myself going down the stairs to Liam’s play room, dressed in tight sexy clothes, looking around the room like those other women, like I was hot and available.
Because I was hot and available.
When I thought about it, it wasn’t such a bad suggestion. That was why I’d done all this, so I could find an actual partner to fall in love with, someone who wasn’t as guarded and closed off as Liam. His party would be full of kinky prospects and, as a bonus, I could show him that I was over him. “I might go,” I said. “But I’m not showing up with you. If I go it will be on my own.”
He considered that a moment, then reached out and grasped the tip of my shoe. “I like you. You have quiet shoes now. I think maybe even…without the money…I would have asked you to do the ballet.”
“Liar,” I said, kicking his hand away. “You would have asked Heather. She has bigger boobs.”
“Okay. You’re right. But I think you’re good in it anyway. I like how you dance.” He jumped up and reached out a hand. “Come on. It’s late now. I’ll walk you home.”
Chapter Sixteen: Play Room
I was sitting at the table in the guest room Saturday night when Mem came to get me.
“Ishi?” His knock was sharp, his voice low. “Are you…occupied?”
“No.” I’d brought a girl up from the party but I’d sent her down again. Nothing about her measured up, even though she’d dropped to her knees and worshipped my cock like it was gold-plated. I couldn’t stay hard.
I’d drunk too much, that was all, and I was tired. I stared down at the dog-eared paper spread out in front of me, the mish-mash of notes I’d scrawled at this table a few months ago with Ashleigh trembling in my arms. Watch hands around face. Don’t lock door. Restraints okay.
Don’t call her a bad girl.
It always hurt.
I had hurt her too, distanced myself and pushed her away. The party went on beneath me, the drumbeats of music reminding me that life went on, that people were having fun and enjoying themselves as they always did, just as I would again. Eventually.
Mem entered and crossed to me. “She’s here.”
“Who’s here?”
He paused. “Little Ishi. She is downstairs.”
I spread my palms on the cold, slick tabletop. I’d never expected her to come here. She didn’t belong in this careless crowd, not yet, not when she was so new to the lifestyle. I hauled myself to my feet. “Why did they let her in? She’s downstairs? In the play room?”
He nodded. “She was headed that way.”
Oh God, she was headed for the play room. I pushed past Mem with a muttered curse. I didn’t know if I was going downstairs to play with her, beg her forgiveness, or throw her into a taxi. If she was with Rubio… Well, if she was with him, it was exactly what I deserved.
I stopped halfway down the stairs and scanned the various play spaces. I saw Rubio first, standing near the back wall, engrossed in a conversation with one of his off-and-on playmates. He wasn’t with Ashleigh then. I felt relief even though I had no right to be possessive.
I finally found her lingering near the corner on the left side. She was wearing her representation of sexy, but on her it was a caricature, an ill-fitting skin. Teased hair rather than sleek locks, a tight, low-cut dress that made her look more child than woman. My nerves throbbed with anxiety as she prowled the fringes of the room. I stood back in the shadows and watched, because it wasn’t my job to rescue her. Isn’t that what I’d snapped at her last night? We’re finished. Have a nice life. If she wanted to play with someone, I had to allow her to do it.
Except that she didn’t know all the rules, only what I’d taught her.
My fingers tightened on the stair rail as a couple guys strolled over to her, the one in leather gear offering her a drink. I knew them. They were safe players, like all the people I invited here, but they didn’t know Ashleigh. They didn’t know she was inexperienced, that she’d been abused as a child, that she was vulnerable.
I started toward her but I wasn’t the only one watching out for her. Rubio got to her first, chatting her away from the guys, greeting her with a kiss and a hug. If his nudity bothered her, she didn’t show it. When I got to her side I took her arm.
“What are you doing here?” I asked in a low voice.
“If she wants to be here, who cares?” said Ruby.
I held up a hand to him. “Don’t start with me. You know she doesn’t belong here. She’s not…” She’s not like the other girls. “She’s not experienced enough,” I said instead. “If you want to play, Ash, you should come some other time and I can…maybe…”
“Help me?” she provided when I snapped my mouth shut. “You don’t have to help me anymore. You don’t have to be responsible for me.”
I tried to draw her away from Ruby so we could talk privately, but she planted her feet. I frowned at her. “When I said that yesterday—”
“No, Liam. You can’t tell me we’re finished and then try to prevent me from living my life. This is what you wanted for me. You said that. You told me I could come play at your house. You told me I could fuck Ruby if I wanted to,” she said, gesturing at him.
She was right. I’d said all that ridiculous shit to her for some reason. “I meant you could do that kind of stuff when you were more experienced.”
“Oh God,” said Ruby, throwing up his hands.
“I still care about you a lot,” I said, tuning Rubio out. “I always will. It’s just— I’m not sure you’re ready yet to swim in this pond.” I held her gaze, communicating my concern for her well-being. I’m the only one here who knows, Ash. I want you to be careful. I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.
She twisted her hands in front of her, looking past me to scan the room. “Why don’t you play with me, then?” she asked, squaring her shoulders. “If you think I’m not ready, why don’t you do some scenes with me? Ease me into the swing of things?”
I stared at her. Why hadn’t I foreseen this clusterfuck? I’d helped her overcome her fears. I’d released her and now she was here, and she wanted to play. If I didn’t play with her, there were ten or fifteen other guys who’d be happy as hyenas to take her under their wing. Rubio would play with her in a heartbeat. She looked over at him when my silence stretched out too long. “Or you could play with me. You promised me a pink crop
.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “You promised her a pink crop?”
He spread his arms. “She wants to play, Li-am. I know she’s a beginner. Why don’t we all play together? We show her good time, both of us. You rather someone else…?”
No, I wouldn’t rather someone else, but both of us? Ruby and I had shared dozens of women in the past, but this was Ashleigh. I scratched my forehead and looked at her, struggling to remain detached. I had no right to possessive feelings or jealousy and she…she looked guardedly interested in Ruby’s suggestion.
Okay. Fine. Maybe…both of us. With both of us, I could keep an eye on her and still keep my emotional distance. With both of us, she could see that Rubio wasn’t the prince she thought he was. With both of us, I could touch her and fuck her again and not feel like I was losing my mind.
“Sure, both of us,” I said, in a voice that didn’t quite sound natural. “Three is always a lot of fun. You want to try it, Ash?”
She looked around the play room, at all the other depravity going on, and nodded with a spreading smile. “Okay, I guess so. Why not?”
Why not, indeed? She knew I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. Ruby took her hand and led her to an unoccupied bondage rack in the corner and I followed without a word. He nodded me toward the adjacent wall of implements. “Go get stuff. Pink crop, most important thing,” he said with a grin.
