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I forgot myself for a moment, reliving every moment I could remember from the night before. For a moment, I wanted to stay, so badly I could taste it. Wake the boys up and see if they were still up for more fun. But then I caught up with my thoughts.
No, Emma. You must leave.
It wasn’t running away, but making a strategic retreat. We didn’t speak much the night before, but I wasn’t sure they’d want to wake up and find me still hanging around. I wasn’t brave enough to stick around and see.
My face was burning by the time I got back. The twins were still sleeping, so I hastily put on my clothes and snuck out of the room. I hurried and didn’t feel relaxed until I was outside, but even then, I still felt like I wanted to hide. Walking past the front desk was awkward, even though it wasn’t the same guy from last night. The mark on my neck was low enough for my jacket to cover it, at least, so I didn’t have to run around with my hand on my throat.
Outside, in the light of day and taking in the fresh air, I suddenly felt cold. I could not believe that I did it with them both. Abe and Carl Thomas, the stars of my high school days; at least to most of the female student body. The night had been amazing, and they’d lived up to expectations I didn’t even know I had and surpassed them.
I wondered if people would see me and know. The thought sent a delicious thrill through me, not the reaction I would have thought. Maybe fear, shame? But how could I feel anything negative after a night like that?
I wondered what it would be like to have them in my life all the time.
I shook the thought off. It would be nice, but I couldn’t allow myself to blur fantasy and reality. Last night had been a fantasy. This morning was reality; making my way back to my mom’s place in yesterday’s clothes and probably smelling of sex. At least, I thought I did. If I had any luck at all, it was just in my head.
Getting home was a bit of a walk, but it was still early in the morning, the sun wasn’t even out yet so everything just looked gray. No one was up at that kind of time. I made it to the front door before I remembered I didn’t have a key. Mom had a spare, but usually, she gave it to me the first evening I stayed, and I handed it back when I left.
Well, fuck.
I really didn’t think last night through. She would have locked the house down tight, there was no way I could even hope to sneak in. I didn’t have a lot of options, but I did have the keys to my car. I was resigned to it, already turning away to head for it, opening my purse and reaching inside. But then I froze when I heard muffled sound from behind the door, then a click as it was unlocked.
I turned around to see my mother opening the door. She had on a robe that fell to her feet, stuffed inside a pair of fluffy white slippers.
I fidgeted under her stony look, even though all I’d felt when she gave it to me last night was annoyed. Because I had done something I knew she wouldn’t approve of, and I was paranoid she could somehow tell. My hand twitched to cover the mark on my throat. But I held it at my side, curling my fingers into a fist. My jacket was collared, and I had it tied all the way up. I hadn’t looked in a mirror to see it was properly hidden, but trying to cover it up with my hand would make it obvious I was trying to hide something.
I knew I was going to get it from my mother. There was no reason to add any more fuel to the fire.
When she just stood there, arms crossed over her chest, I tried giving her a smile, tentative.
“Morning, Mom. I’m surprised you’re awake at this hour.”
She huffed, narrowed her eyes. “I’m surprised you managed to crawl out of whatever bed you slept in last night at this hour.”
My heart leaped in my throat, and I was on the edge of panicking, thinking that she knew, but it calmed down before it got out of control when she continued.
“There was no need to make a nuisance of yourself to someone else. Not everyone here keeps doctor’s hours.”
She actually sneered the word doctor when she said it.
I sighed. “You don’t need to worry, mother. I’m pretty sure I didn’t bother anybody.” At least, I was sure I hadn’t. I’d done my best to be quiet about it. “I was up anyway so I figured I might as well come back.”
“Come back and annoy me some more, you mean. After turning your back on me and going to who knows where before calling me and telling me you’re spending the night at a friend.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, meaning it just a little. “But you were being totally unfair yesterday. I didn’t mean to be late. If I could have dragged my car all the way here, instead of having it break down in the middle of the road, I swear I would have, just so I could be on time. But I couldn’t, and it happened, and I didn’t mean to do it, but I can’t change it.”
I was coming awfully close to ranting, so I made myself stop. My breathing was coming a little heavy, all my frustration coming back from last night. Mom didn’t look the least bit affected, just scowled at me.
“I got an invite to go out last night,” she said, her voice quiet. “It came from someone I am very close to. But because I knew my daughter would be coming home, by six, and would likely want some dinner, I couldn’t go. So, I declined the invitation, made up a room for you, and spent time making food I knew you liked and waited for you to come.”
For a second, I felt confused, like I usually did around my mother. There were times when I thought she couldn’t stand me, and then she went out of her way and did things like that. She didn’t always do it, sometimes I’d have to make it back and get my own dinner, take some sheets and blankets out of the linen closet and make the bed myself before sleeping on it. It depended on her mood, so she must have been in a good before I was late, then.
“I already told you, the car broke down. I didn’t mean to be late.”
She acted like she didn’t hear me, continuing.
“But then you come here, late, two hours after the time you said you would, with no call. You get here and you don’t even stay, I am talking to you and you’re turning your back to me. After I lost what would have been an enjoyable evening, and made food that went to waste.”
I sighed. So, we were back to that again. I rubbed at my temple, feeling a headache coming on.
“Mother…”
“You don’t send me enough money. Then when you come to visit, you’re out all night.”
“I didn’t mean to stay out late last night. But I called and told you I would be away.”
“You’re only here for a couple of nights, one night is already gone. I’m not going to stick around and babysitting you Emma because I do have stuff to do, that I have been doing with you not here.”
“I’m not asking you to stop your life just ‘cause I’m here now.”
“It doesn’t seem like it to me. Because I’m going to be out most of today, I’m going out to meet my friends. Tomorrow morning, I have church and I won’t be out until lunch, and you never want to go with me, and you usually leave pretty early in the afternoon.”
I had to if I wanted to beat traffic. I made a mistake of leaving a little late, around four thirty, once and I spent over an hour in traffic. I got back home at midnight and I had to be up by four the next morning because I had a paper to study for.
I opened my mouth to tell her something along those lines, but she just talked over me.
“Why the hell do you bother to come down here, huh? Is it to waste my time, laze around in my home and eat my food? I’m a modest worker, Emma. I don’t make that much money, and there are still bills to pay.”
I wondered why, too, sometimes.
“I understand about the bills. I’ve been sending you money, haven’t I?”
“Well, it’s not enough. You ever come back here and put me through last night again, and you will be funding your pay.”
I gaped at her. “You could kind of say I already do. Mom, I usually go out and buy groceries for you when I’m here, even when you don’t need them.”
She gave a wry twist of her lips. “Buying me s
tuff I don’t need isn’t exactly helpful. I either need to give it away because it’s going to spoil, and I don’t want to be wasteful with food, or I give away what other stuff you bought but I have no need for.
“I know you have money Emma, I know you’re going to have a lot more when you finally get around to getting a job. You don’t need to flaunt it for me. I am a simple secretary, I always have been. It got me through raising you. I do appreciate the money you send me, but don’t buy me things that I don’t need just to show off.”
I was so angry I couldn’t even stand to listen to her. After everything, all she could think about was the money? She was my mother, she’d used up resources to raise me, whether it was her legal and moral obligation or not. I would have given her money anyway, but to hear her talk, I owed it to her.
Whatever. I turned away with her in mid-rant, and this made the second time in my life I had done that.
Never again, I promised myself. I still felt like a shower, but I could have one once I was back in my own space. I wasn’t going to visit mom again or call, or email, or whatever. I’d send her the money anyway like I did every month. I was calculating it all, and once it was twice what I estimated she’d spent raising me, no matter how long it would take, I would cut off all contact with her, because clearly, she didn’t care either way.
I jumped in my car and headed back home.
