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I let myself down. I let him down. And my family. I spiraled too far this time.
I just wish I knew how to fix my broken.
A doctor in bright blue scrubs stands over me. “You get some rest, Lara. We will be back in to keep checking on you and once you’re feeling up to it, we can discuss your plans, okay?”
She pushes her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and smiles at me.
“Thank you.”
I let out a sigh of relief when the door closes and I turn my head to face Alexei.
“I missed you, pchelka.” The raw emotion in his voice makes me want to burst into tears.
“I missed you most,” I say back.
Silence washes over us, we lost each other and we fell apart.
“I love you, Lara. I’m so sorry I left you. I thought I was doing the right thing. That this would keep everyone safe. I nearly lost you. How was I ever supposed to live a life without you in it?”
He’s speaking so fast it’s hard to understand.
“I’m okay, Alexei. I’m going to be fine. I missed you. I thought I’d never see you again.” My eyes burn. I’ve never been so lost in this world without him.
“I was always making my way back to you. I promised, remember.” He lifts up my hand and places a kiss. “Getting back to my girl was the only thing keeping me going in there. When I found you?—”
My stomach sinks. “Shit. You found me?”
No wonder he looks so distraught. I can’t believe I let this happen.
“You need to get help for this, baby. I am not smart enough to do that on my own. We need clever people, like Sofia. I won’t let you leave me, not like this.”
He shakes his head. I keep quiet to let him continue. “The way I love you means I have to die before you. You can’t go first, Lara. And the way this is going, you will, baby. I vowed to protect you, and if it’s from yourself then I will. This is not how we end.”
It’s like a stab through the heart. The thought of losing him kills me. I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through.
I’m petrified of dying. I can’t leave Alexei nor my family. I just can’t make this stop. I punish myself to feel in control.
“I don’t want to, it was never about that. The thought of leaving behind you, Elena, my brothers, that rips me apart. I never wanted to die. I just didn’t know how to keep living.”
Seeing the tears roll down his cheeks guts me even more. Guilt washes over me. I’m hurting everyone I love.
“I’ll do whatever it takes. I promise. I’m not giving up. Not on us. Not on life.”
“I won’t let you. I swore to protect you, and if that means from yourself, that’s what I’ll do.”
He raises my arm and places my palm on his warm cheek.
He’s so handsome. I don’t deserve his kindness.
“W-what if I’m too broken to fix? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying about me? I’m holding you back.”
“Don’t,” he says sternly. “You think I’m not how you say, broken, too? Sometimes I’m not sure what goes on in my brain.”
I hiccup a laugh. That’s true.
“But you know what?” he continues.
I lean into his touch as he strokes my cheek and let his words sink in.
