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The self-doubt takes over, and I lose control. The sun begins to set. I should focus on the beauty of the sky rather than the empty feeling in my soul. I reach into the new package of blades and quickly grab one before pushing up the sleeves of my sweater. A quick glance at my wrist shows the faint lines of everycut I've inflicted upon myself. Memories of each one flood my thoughts.
I look them over, contemplating where to place the new ones. The thicker scars draw my attention, reminding me of that day on my bathroom floor two years ago. Why couldn't I just finish the job then? I settle on a spot a few inches below my wrist and push the blade to my skin. It’s the exact reaction Carson wanted, but I can’t stop myself. My brows raise, and tears fall from my face as the blade bites into my flesh and gives me the relief I seek. It’s my attempt to take control of my feelings.
I wish Kellan were here. My chest heaves as I close my eyes to try and level out my thoughts.Shut them off. Just don't feel.It's all too much. I’m so lost and alone. I'm tired of always feeling like this. I trail the sharp metal along my wrist again as the tears fall freely, soaking my face.
I sit here like this for a while. I should bandage the cuts, but I don't have it in me right now. I slump my head down in defeat, watching as the blood drips down my arms and onto the blanket. I don't know what else to do except cry, alone and broken.
"Lena?" Kellan's voice calls out, and my empty eyes lift to meet his.
He doesn't say anything else. He simply sits down next to me, reaches over, and pulls me into him. His arms wrap around my center, and I go still for a moment before allowing myself to relax into his hold. A strangled sob leaves me, and he holds me tighter. As soon as I'm in his arms, the feelings of doubt, pain, and worthlessness seem to disappear, like they always do.
"It's okay. I've got you," he says reassuringly as one of his hands rubs small circles on my back.
I finally give in and wrap my arms around his waist, letting him comfort me. He doesn't ask me what happened. He doesn't mention the cuts on my wrist, the blood-soaked blanket, or the blades in the open package sitting next to me. He doesn't judge me like everyone else does. He just comforts me, and I relish the calming feeling he provides.
Chapter 10
Kellan
Every stolen moment with her is not enough. I've grown annoyed with how often I'm called away from her to perform my duties. For the first time in my existence, I wish I wasn't who I am. I wish I could be just a normal soul who gets to spend a lifetime with her and have the memories to go along with it. Instead, I am haunted by the knowledge that our time is growing closer to ending with every breath she takes.
If The Others try to take her from me, I'll stop them. What would they do if she wanted to stay with me? How would they react to that? What if her purpose all along was to be mine for eternity?
A sickening feeling washes over me as I lead the last soul from my list to my realm. Something isn't right with Lena, and I need to hurry this along and get back to her. A dark, anxious feeling creeps over me just as I usher the soul forward so they can carry on with their purpose. As soon as they set off on their own, I fade away from their sight and seek out my girl.
She is in the cemetery, but it's late. She shouldn't be here this late. Normally by now, she has gone back to her apartment. I take on my human form and move along the tombstones in the dusk toward herusual spot. She comes into view, and my eyes widen. She is trembling with her head down, staring at her bloody wrist. When her eyes finally lift up to meet mine, it breaks something in me.
I don't ever want her to be helpless like this again. I've failed to protect her. I want to fucking eviscerate whoever made her feel like this. Immediately, I pull her close and reassure her that I'm here. She sinks into my hold and lets herself fall apart in the safety of my arms.
After some time, she lifts up her head and looks at me. "How did you know I was here?"
"You like coming here. I was in the area, so I thought I would see if you were still here. I'm glad I did."
"Yeah, I'm glad you did too." She moves to a seated position
I should confess everything to her. Lay it all on the line to see if she is willing to choose me over everything. The Others would have to consider things differently if she knew the truth, but I can't bring myself to do it yet.
"Why did I never notice you before? You're always around now," she whispers.
"Sometimes, once you see something, it's hard not to focus on it. It's like buying a new car and suddenly realizing how many people drive that same model. It's all you can see."
"I suppose you're right."
"Are you okay, pet?" I let it slip. I shouldn't have called her that.
"No, but Iwill be now that you're here. You make things better."
I understand how she feels for once. Human emotions are complex, and while I understand them, they are also fairly new experiences for me. I’ve never felt them with this level of strength and veracity. It all changed when I laid eyes on her. The closer I am to her, and the longer I am near her, the stronger they feel.
She leans in to kiss me before pulling back to let me look at her. The last light from the day continues to recede, but it casts a beautiful shadow on her skin. I bring a hand to her cheek and caress it lightly.
"What happened?" I ask.
"I went home and found my ex banging my friend," she states coldly.
I freeze, not expecting her to say something so obscene. "You what?"
"That's not even the bad part. He made a comment about these." Her eyes turn downcast, insinuating that he was commenting on her scars.
