AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He notes my confusion and smiles. "What if it takes all your time and energy. What will you do then?"
"Fall into a perfectionist anxiety spiral."
"Okay. What then?"
"I don't know. I guess, if I notice in time, I'll find a therapist in… at school," I say.
"If you don't notice in time?"
"I could hurt myself," I say.
For the first time in our conversation, his expression darkens.
"Not like that. Not on purpose." Thankfully, I've never struggled with the self-destructive impulses that haunt the men in my family. "By working too hard. I gave myself an ulcer in high school." My cheeks flush. "I never told anyone that."
"And what if that happens? You work so hard you make yourself sick?"
"Then I'll be sick," I say.
"Then?" he asks.
"I will be surrounded by doctors," I say. "So I'll get help. But the answer might be the same. I might have to drop out of the program."
"Is that the end of the world?" he asks.
"Yes." But it's not. He's right. The world will keep turning. My heart will keep beating. The city will keep humming. "No. It will just feel like it."
I swallow hard. I look to the stars. The big silver moon. The light is just enough to cast an ethereal glow. Or maybe that's the pool. It feels wrong for this conversation. But it feels right too.
He sits there patiently, waiting for me to come back to him.
There's a safety to it. A safety I want to embrace. I want to throw myself into his arms and dissolve there.
But I can't.
Not if I have to let go.
I take a deep breath and center myself. "Are you always this zen?"
"I went through the same thing in law school." He brings his hand to my chin and cups my cheek with his palm. "I asked myself all the same questions. I was afraid I'd fail, but it wasn't about the idea of flunking out of law school. It was what that would mean. That I wasted my time. That I was a failure. That I was a disappointment to my family. That I was destined to a life of mediocrity."
That sounds about right. I nod.
"But would that be true?" His voice is even, as if he's willing to accept any answer I give him.
"Would my mom be disappointed if I couldn't hack residency? Of course. Her mom was a doctor. And her mom was a doctor. And the dads too. I think Damon is the first non-medical professional in several generations."
"What about me," he says. "If I couldn't make it in Big Law. Would I have disappointed my parents?"
"Probably, yeah." They don't have the same background in law my family does in medicine, but they always talked about how Jackson was a smart kid who was destined for success. They put the same sort of pressure on him.
He nods. "Yeah. But then what? My parents are disappointed. Then what?"
He's asked these questions enough I understand he's trying to get me to answer. But they're hard to answer. Usually, I'm too scared to consider the answers.
I take a deep breath and let out a steady exhale.
Okay. I can do this.
