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‘Humour me. Please. My boobs hurt, I’m wearing big unsexy knickers and have you seen my tree? It looks like it was decorated by gremlins.’
‘Cute gremlins though. Well, Jasper is gay so I can avoid him safe in the knowledge he’s not into me like that. I’d snog Frank for the reaction and I’d marry…’
‘The one with the good smile,’ Gemma says finishing off my sentence.
‘How do you know what sort of smile Leo has?’ I ask her.
‘Social media, you posted a pic of a night out. He waswearing a sombrero but he had dimples and decent teeth,’ she says, grinning, flexing her eyebrows at me.
I sigh and shake my head but I’ll admit, since that night out I’ve garnered a strange curiosity towards Leo who slept on the floor so I could have his bed. Leo who stayed behind to help me put up festive LEDs, who makes the good tea and is a hardworking, reliable colleague. He is handsome, the sort that doesn’t even have to try. He’s single and I’m intrigued, but surely it’s overstepping. If it were to go wrong, we’d be resigned to be in that basement together for life.
‘What’s he like, this Leo?’ she asks. I see her eyes brighten to partake in some adult chat.
‘He’s tall.’
‘Is that all I’m getting?’
‘He was very good at helping me decorate the office a few weeks ago. It meant I didn’t have to stand on unstable stepladders and risk my life.’
‘Boring,’ she says smiling. ‘Did you get a good view of his arse when he was standing on that ladder?’
‘No, I did not. I am professional. I am also his boss so it could be construed as harassment if I were to look at his backside.’
‘So, you did look…’ she says, excitedly.
I shake my head at her. The truth is, I’m confused about how I feel, and I have no idea what he thinks of me. Out of the three of them he is the hardest to figure out. In fact, I still can’t work out what this trip to the Lakes will entail. He always says he’s from there but does he live in a mountain hut like Heidi? Or on a boat, in a lake? I really should get out of the city more.
‘We work together. It feels complicated,’ I tell her.
She smiles to know she’s unearthed some secret feelings I may have for him. ‘Not really. It’s convenient. He’s there. You can have lunch-hour sex sessions.’
I flare my nostrils. I’m only beginning to admit to myself I’m crushing. I hadn’t imagined that far ahead. ‘Classy.’
‘Well, if I get a vote, I think take a chance on this Leo. He has a kind face. I hate you being on all those dating sites. Better the devil you know and all that…’ she informs me. ‘He’s not like Frank though, is he? The whole living at home, virgin vibe.’
‘Don’t be mean,’ I tell her, feeling a need to stand up for Frank. ‘But yes, Leo is, I’m pretty sure, a non-virgin.’
‘Well, that’s a start,’ she says, smiling. ‘So this dress I’m lending you. Are you wearing it throughout the duration of your Christmas jaunts or just for this wedding?’
‘For the wedding which is in two days and a Christmas party…’ I tell her.
‘Well, it’s in the closet. It was a bridesmaid dress I wore when Nate’s sister got married – spaghetti straps, chiffon, tea length. I think it’ll suit you.’
I open up her wardrobe and paw through the hangers. Gemma is on maternity leave so I rake through a lot of suits currently veiled in a thin layer of dust. I also see a nurse’s outfit that I won’t ask about in too much detail. I get to a garment bag and unzip it carefully.
‘That’s the one. I don’t know why I kept it. I probably can’t get that thing over my tits now but it’ll look so pretty on you.’
I remove it carefully from the hanger, and take off my jumper and T-shirt so I can slide it over my head. As I pull it over me, the material from the dress is whipped up into the air and falls back down. I look at myself in the mirror of the wardrobe door and see Gemma grinning at me in the background, giving me a wolf-whistle.
‘I mean, I wouldn’t wear it with the jeans underneath, but it looks perfect. Have a dig through my wardrobe if you want to borrow any purses,’ she tells me. ‘Better someone uses them or they’ll disintegrate in there from age.’
I look at myself in the mirror. Frank has not been hugelyforthcoming with details about this wedding. He told me everyone had to wear red. The men, too? I asked, imagining him leaping around this wedding like a giant tomato. He laughed in reply. How red did I need to go? Like head to toe red? Just an accessory? Is this too much? Or not enough?
‘It feels a little too festive,’ I tell Gemma.
‘Don’t be silly. It’s a Christmas wedding. Too festive would be bells and a giant fur muff.’
‘Well, you haven’t seen my waxing situation yet,’ I jest and she laughs, her boobs jiggling as she does. It makes me wonder if the milk comes out a bit bubbly.
