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I put my head down on my desk.
I came back home to Everett three weeks ago, unable to keep my life on pause.
Tammy walked into my office without knocking. “Pull yourself together, Dex,” she said, taking a seat in one of the leather chairs in front of me and crossing her legs. “I can’t watch you break down again. Twice in one year is going to kill me.”
“How do you think I feel?” I countered.
“Have you talked to Rachel since?” she asked.
I shook my head and immediately felt like shit. I never went this long without at least calling Phoebe. “The women in my life are bound and determined to run me into an early grave.”
“Not all of them,” she said as she sat up straighter. “And I told you Rachel was a little, uh…batshit crazy. I’m sure she was convinced I wanted you or something. However,” she said, finishing that thought by holding up her left hand—her wedding ring glittering impressively.
Tammy was right. It hadn’t taken Rachel long to start sniffing around after hearing that my partner was a woman. She’d make little remarks after she met Tammy—mentioning her good looks, her nice clothes—in a way that was laced with accusations. But Rachel and I weren’t even together at the time, just co-parenting.
“It isn’t like I never noticed it. I just didn’t think it affected me. I wasn’t sleeping with her at the time, I wasn’t involved with her in that way.” Hell, within the few months I did give us a shot, we were rarely physical. It just wasn’t…right.
Not like it was with Noa. I couldn’t ever keep my hands off Noa.
The image of her body, pliant and smooth beneath me, had my breath caught in my chest. Teenage Noa had been the stuff of my dreams when I was younger. In my car when I’d gotten a taste of heaven under her shirt. Supple against me that night at the lake house. Or anytime I saw her. Anytime I touched her.
But Noa as a woman, the way we loved each other, years later…
Just the thought had me pausing, my gut clenching. The way she took what I gave her, in whatever way, whatever position, her eagerness spurring me on, her nails at my skin.
Shit.
I shuffled some papers around, feeling like I couldn’t get a grip on what was in front of me.
Sex with Noa had always been so all-consuming.
Which was likely why I’d been moronic enough to never question protection on my end. Maybe she wanted another child after losing Anna. Maybe she was always just as caught up in the moment as I was. Maybe her birth control failed.
But how was I to know?
“So, what now?” Tammy inquired.
I dropped the façade and looked at Tammy.
“I don’t know. I usually have a plan but…I’ve got nothing. Noa won’t see me. Rachel is delusional. I don’t know anything, and my hands are tied because I’m here. On top of it all, I’m still dealing with my own shit. Molly dying and finding out about Anna.” I pounded my fist on the smooth cherry wood before running my hands over my face.
I wasn’t used to being vocal about my feelings. The only person I’d ever confided in was Ralph and even when talking to him, we didn’t hit on the heavy things.
I missed companionship. I missedNoa.
But Tammy had a great ear and even greater advice at the ready. “I don’t mind picking up the slack, Dex. But you have to promise you won’t go crazy or have a heart attack.” She stood and walked over to me, placing her hand on the clear space on the desk beside me and leaning against it.
“I can’t have you do that again,” I said as I shook my head. It was hard enough for her when I took some time off after finding out about Anna.
“No offense, but you’re really of no use to me here in the state you’re in. Take a few days, figure things out, and come back.”
I remained silent, and she knocked her knuckles against my desk and said, “I’ll see you in a few days, Dex.”
* * *
I wokethe next morning to someone pounding on my door. With a groan, I rolled out of bed and ambled toward the incessant sound. I had to blink past the brightness to focus on Tracey standing on my doorstep, a frown on her face and her hands on her hips. I hadn’t known she was in town, but I was too tired to look surprised.
“Don’t tell me you’re upset with me too,” I said. My voice was deep from sleep and I wanted to head right back to bed. So, I did.
