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But he didn’t know, nor would he ever, that it wasn’t the day I bumped into him that I began picturing myself in his life. It was before then. Before Becca. Before my parents left, before his parents died. Before the alcohol took over. Before he left me like I knew he would.
Before we both came back to life.
Tim entered the hospital room quietly. Although my back was turned to him, I knew it was him. By now, Dexter was back home. And the sad resolution in his eyes was something I’d never forget.
I sniffled as fresh tears dripped down. My cheeks were tender from rubbing them over and over. I felt the heat, the slight sting of my tears as they slid down my face.
“Se fue. Yo sabía que lo haría,” Tim whispered.
He and I were so alike. Because it was exactly what I’d been telling myself. “You aren’t the only one who knew he’d leave.” I shifted so I was on my back. “Are you happy now?”
He sat on the edge of my bed and pulled me into his arms. “No, Noa. I’m never happy if you’re sad.”
“Then what are you if I’m absolutely destroyed?” My face was contorted with sadness. I tucked my head into his chest.
He ran his hands down my back. “I’m the one who’ll help you pick yourself up and move on. Us fuckups gotta stick together.”
Noa
It was soeasy to hold onto the way Dexter had hurt me. The pain I’d felt by his hand wasn’t tangible. But if it were, it’d be my heart, smothered in black blood, warm to the touch but cold to the core.
The disappointment festered until I was standing in front of everyone, agreeing to marry a man I had no business being with.
I was eager to leave after all the well wishes and congratulatory hugs. Theo was more than okay with heading home.
The clouds were rolling in and I knew the rain was coming as the wind pushed at me, chasing away the day’s warmth.
I shouldn’t have worn the fucking dress,I thought as I tugged it toward my body. I got in the car and waited as he waved goodbye, his hand on the driver’s side door handle. I closed my eyes as he got in and shut the door. He didn’t buckle himself in or start the car and I glanced over at him.
Taking that as a lead, he grabbed my hands and kissed them. I offered a smile. It was a weak one, but it was all I could give.
“I’m so happy, Noa.”
My head nodded but my dirty little heart screamed.
As he started the car, I felt my phone buzz in my purse. I sat up straighter and pulled it out. When I saw the name on the screen, I turned my phone on its face, letting it go to voicemail.
Theo stopped at the gas station, mumbling something about filling up the tank. When I saw he was inside, I turned the phone back over. The missed call was staring at me. The worst of it was, Theo could look at my phone and think nothing of it. He’d see that Dylan’s father called me.
But…the voicemail.
Silent tears poured as I pressed play and held the phone to my ear, ready to hear every word. To understand his hate, his hurt, his regret. Ready for any reaction other than the one I heard.
“You can’t marry him, Blue. You’re supposed to—”
I’d lied to myself again. I wasn’t ready to hear it.
I deleted the voicemail before the blue flames threatened to spark again.
When I got home, I snuck up to the attic and opened Dexter’s gift with tears in my eyes. There were two hammered silver cuffs with words carved into the metal.
One read:If I had to remember to breathe…
The second read: …I’d die for all I think of you.
* * *
The next morning,I couldn’t sit still. I pulled on my running shoes, needing to do something other than stew.
