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“Not in this lifetime,” I retorted before closing the car door and making my way to the driver’s side. The drive was quiet until I pulled into my driveway.
“I’m not going in there,” she said.
“You have no choice, Noa. You’re drunk, and I’ll be damned if you think I’m going to let something happen to you.”
“Tim is a drunk,” she sobbed. “And so am I. See?” She turned to me, grabbing my sweater. “We have more in common than you think. I can’t go in that perfect house.”
“You’re not a drunk, Blue,” I said, afraid of what she might tell me in her state.
She let go of me and turned back in her seat. “But I am! I’ve been fighting. I’ve been trying. But it comes back every time. Itwinsevery fucking time.” She leaned her forehead against the dashboard. “Tim hates me because I drink all his booze. And I hate him because I have to depend on him for more. He started hiding it from me. Locking it away, going to bars. And I hated him more because instead of helping me, he taunted me.” Her shoulders shook as she cried.
“If you want help, I’ll help you.” I said it to my steering wheel.
“You’re leaving me, Dexter. I stopped. I was good. But you’re still leaving.” Her voice was low and sad.
“I’m here now,” I said, getting out of the car. I opened her door and when she didn’t move, I squatted down to look at her. “You know you can’t stay out here all night.”
“This is so embarrassing. Tracey will hate me,” she said.
While I heard her struggling with words, the way drunk people do, I figured she had to be conscious of everything she was saying. It was all too real to feel like it’d be forgotten in the morning.
“And a small part of me hates you,” she added.
“Why?” My one word was loud and full of confusion.
“You were withher.” She sat up and leaned against the back of the seat, glaring at me. “And your life is just…it’s just so easy.” Her head lolled to the side.
I stood and stepped away, afraid I might shake her. “I had an innocent conversation with someone who needed closure. Someone I don’t remember ever having been with. Maybe my life would be easier if you stopped trying to destroy the little bit of happiness I do have.” In the background, I could hear people counting down. It wore me down thinking this new beginning—this newyear—would start on such terrible terms.
“Yeah? Maybe my life would be easier if you stopped making me want what can never be. I don’t want to feel. But damn it, Dexter, I still feel you!” She stepped out, wobbling and then collapsing.
I grabbed her, lifting her in the manner that had now become habitual. She only groaned, her body pliant and relaxed.
I looked down at her. She was too lovely, and too tortured. She was a beautiful poison, killing herself. All her wounds were self-inflicted.
Could I help her? Save her?
I opened the door and almost cursed when Tracey was sitting in the living room as if she’d been waiting for us.
“What’s wrong with her?” She jumped from the couch and followed me up the steps.
Noa picked her head up. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
I opened my bedroom door and set Noa on my bed before walking back out to deal with my aunt. I closed the door, hoping that if Tracey had anything terrible to say, Noa wouldn’t hear it.
“Dexter, she isdrunk,” Tracey whispered heatedly, fire in her eyes.
“I know,” I said. “But I can’t just leave her out there like this. God knows what she’d get into.”
“Where are her parents?”
“Left her and her brother a few years ago. She lives with him now, but he isn’t the best role model for her. Look, I know you’re mad and I understand. But I have to help her. I have to fix her. I have to do that for her, especially if she can’t do it for herself.”
Tracey closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall. When she opened them again, they were full of determination. “I like Noa. I like her a lot, mainly because she makes you happy. But you are my priority, and you can’t be everything for her. At some point, she’s going to leave you empty-handed.” She placed her hands on my arms, like she was pleading with me to see it her way.
“And I’ll probably be the happiest I’ve ever been,” I said. I couldn’t think of a better situation than one where Noa actually listened to me and relied on me. “I have to go back in there. We’ll talk in the morning?” I hugged Tracey tightly, and she hummed her assent.
Noa turned to face me when she heard the door click behind me. She stood, swaying. “I need to go.”
