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“Fine,” I muttered, letting my gaze drift back to the glass balls. I crossed my arms again, clenching my fists as soon as they were out of her view.
“Has Sasha said anything? Noticed any sort of difference?”
Scoffing, I shook my head. “I told you, Sasha and I don’t talk about shit like that. To be honest with you, I don’t even know why we’re still… a thing. I don’t even know what to call him. We hardly ever see each other anymore. Sex is out of the fucking question, except for the random blowjob yesterday. I’m pretty sure he only did it because I basically guilt tripped him into it. I mean, why the fuck are we together? What does he get from having me around? Nothing. Not one goddamn thing except a headache.”
“Love?” she said with a small smile.
“Yeah. Sure. Or it’s just part of the…” What was it Frankie had been blathering on about in her never-ending voicemails? She switched from riding my ass about Stockholm syndrome to… “Trauma bond? Or whatever.”
She nodded. “Something like this can certainly bring couples closer together, just like it can rip them apart. How is Sasha coping?”
My eyes rolled before I could stop them. If she ever met him, she’d understand how ridiculous that concept was. Sasha didn’t “cope” with anything, because Sasha wasn’t affected by anything. He was a fucking machine, a giant, killing machine. He “coped” by maiming and murdering and inflicting pain on whoever was within arm’s reach and he seemed perfectly content with that.
“What?” She gave me that soft blink again, her way of prompting me to go on without actually using the words.
“Beats the hell out of me,” I muttered with a shrug.
Dr. Adani sat up a little straighter, her dark eyes narrowed. “Beats the hell out of you?”
I tried really hard not to be exasperated with her, but it felt like we were going in circles today and I wassofucking over it.
“Roan, do you feel safe at home?”
Oh, shit... Now I know why she looked weird.
That was the wrong fucking phrase to use. Apparently I opened a can of worms that I highly doubted I’d be able to close again. “That’s not what I meant… It means, I don’t know how he’s dealing because he pretty much has two moods — angry and angrier. Used to be three, but we already covered that.”
She didn’t relax. At all. “You didn’t answer the question. Do you feel safe?”
“I don’t feel safe anywhere, hence the reason I’m here.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
“No, I know what you’re asking. Do you honestly think Sasha hits me? Have I ever come in here with bruises? No. He won’t even touch me to have sex and you think he’s going to beat me?”
“I’m asking you if you feel safe around him.”
I ran my palms down my thighs, looking away from her scrutinizing gaze. “Yeah. I do.”
“You know I’m here for you,” she continued in a gentle, motherly voice. “There are resources if—”
“Jesus Christ! Do I look that fucking pathetic? I don’t need anyone to save me! Yeah, some shit happened. Clearly I’m a little fucked up over it. But you know what I learned? No one is coming to the rescue.No one. So I don’t need you or anyone else trying to swoop innow, now that it’s too fucking late.”
She didn’t even seem fazed by my outburst. I didn’t know if that was a result of her decades of professional experience or if I was just that pitiful. “What about Sasha?”
“What about him?!”
“Is it too late for him to save you?”
My lungs seized before she even finished asking her question. I don’t know why. Maybe because I was still reeling from the disappointment fromthatday. I’d built him up in my head to be this super human, this force to be reckoned with. My captor. My protector. The Wolf. He fought off that asshole once before, but when I needed him,actuallyneeded him, he wasn’t there. And I… what? Blamed him? Blamed him for bringing me into his fucked-up world, for not knowing what evil his peers were capable of? For not stopping them? Did I blame him for all of that?
Yes, I did.
No, I didn’t.
No. It was still entirely my fault. Me.Mine. Not his.
Ididn’t listen.Iput myself in harm’s way. And I got what was coming. I deserved the punishment they doled out.
