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Everyone had been sympathetic, but she’d been the mostempathetic. She’s the one who chased the cop away when he wouldn’t shut up, bugging me over what I remembered and if I’d press charges and couldn’t I just help him out a little and give himsomethingto work with? No. No I couldn’t.
She’s the one who made sure I was cocooned in a pile of blankets and pillows to try and relieve some of the pressure on my battered body. She’s the one who dimmed the lights and pulled the shades and yelled at the doctor to lower his voice.
And now, she was crouched beside the bed so she was eye-level with me instead of standing over me liketheydid.
I closed my eyes instead of answering. As nice as she was, I’d already made up my mind. I wasn’t saying a fucking word to anyone.
The whisper of her scrubs traveled across the room and the door clicked open and shut.
I exhaled, opening my eyes again to stare at the sliver of the city I could see underneath the shade.
It was nighttime already. Already? I’d been out for hours. Brought in unconscious by the ambulance, kept unconscious by the doctors. Time passed. The world moved on. But I was suspended between that alley and the death that had been denied to me. Once again, I was fucking helpless. Weak. Powerless. Pathetic.
I couldn’t fight back.
I couldn’t die.
What the fuck was the point of any of it?
Someone gasped to my left. I knew without turning it was Frankie.
I closed my eyes again, hoping she’d go away.
“Roan?” It was Freddy, because Frankie had already started crying. “Are you awake?”
I didn’t answer.
I didn’t move. I couldn’t move even if I’d wanted to. The drugs they had me on made me a slug, a lump of flesh justexisting, just like before. What was the point of being able to run a four and a half minute mile if my legs wouldn’t carry me to safety when I needed them to?
“Look what they did to him,” Frankie whispered between sobs. “What kind of people do this?”
“He’s alive. That’s the most important thing.” No, it wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to argue. “Come on,” Freddy continued. “Let’s go get something to eat. Get some flowers and stuff. By the time we come back, hopefully he’ll be awake.”
“Ok.” Frankie’s footsteps approached the side of the bed. I held my breath when she leaned over the railing and kissed the top of my head. It took everything in me not to flinch.
Thankfully, her sniffling and Freddy’s squeaking shoes disappeared.
Opening my eyes again, I watched the lights pop on in the skyscrapers across the way. The sky behind the buildings was a haze of orange and purple. A perfect summer night.
A shadow shifted in the corner, blotting out my tiny view of the city, until it loomed over me.
“Solnyshko.”
It was Sasha. Fuck. Even if I could only see his hand from the position I was laying in, I’d know his voice anywhere, that deep rumble and the mysterious word that seemed to be some sort of pet name. He never did tell me what it meant and now I didn’t fucking care.
It was too late to pretend to be asleep, I knew he already saw me. But I didn’t have to look at him and I didn’t have to talk. Those two things were still in my control. Theonlythings I could control.
He lowered the side rail and knelt on one knee next to the bed. When he reached for my hand, I pulled it back and hid it beneath the blanket.
“Roan…” His voice cracked.
I almost caved, but I didn’t. For once, I was strong.
I kept my gaze straight ahead, minimizing the sadness I saw in my periphery. Yet another reason I should be dead. The fact a man as strong and proud as Sasha was on his knees, on the verge of tears, over me? It made me sick to see what I’d reduced him to. I didn’t deserve his sympathy. I deserved his anger. I didn’t listen. I never listened. How many times had he told me?
“Talk to me,” Sasha said softly.
Swallowing thickly, I cemented my tongue to the roof of my mouth.
