AllFreeNovel
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Maybe you’re right. I don’t know, Casey. It’s just… Complicated. He’s my friend but he is also, like, a celebrity in the gaming world, and there’s just so much that can go wrong.
Casey
I get it, you don’t have to explain yourself. Just know that sometimes the best things in life come from taking risks. Just don’t let the ‘complications’ stop you from giving the guy a chance. You both look like lovesick fools.
Ems. Just don’t overthink it.
Casey had a way of cutting through my defenses and making me face the truth. And the truth was, I had fallen for Alex.
I mean, yes, I knew that already. I literally told him that last night but I hadn’t really thought through all the repercussions until now.
I put my phone down and stared at the ceiling, trying to organize my thoughts. The conversation with Casey had left me feeling exposed, like an almost healed wound had been opened up again. I knew I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with someone again. I wasn’t ready to let someone in and put my heart on the line again.
Then why the fuck did I go to his apartment last night?
I was upset, I was vulnerable and I was horny—a very bad combination. But I couldn’t take back what I told him, either, because this felt right.
There were no butterflies in my stomach, not like in the past at least. I wasn’t suffocated by his presence. I wasn’t nervous or scared. Instead, I felt light and safe. And weirdly free. More free than before I told him how I felt.
Had I been mistaking having an anxiety response with having a crush on someone my whole life? Probably not… right?
I didn’t want to go down that line of thought, so I pushed it aside. I would have to address that in therapy. And I would eventually because I couldfinally afford it.
I arrived at Alex’s apartment before noon. When he opened the door to let me in, I noticed the place was even cleaner than yesterday.
“Weird question, but do you stress-clean or something?” I asked, looking at the living room as I took my shoes off.
“Yes, I do in fact stress-clean,” Alex chuckled. “It helps me get my thoughts in order.”
“Well, I’ll cut to the chase, I got here so early because I wanted us to talk this through before the stream tonight,” I started off, walking inside properly. “I want to know where we stand. I know we said all those things last night, agreed to rules and all that, but emotions were high and we were both vulnerable. I just want to have an honest conversation about it.”
Alex motioned me to the couch. I eagerly took a seat and tucked my legs under me.
“I just want to say that I’m loving this ‘being forward with each other’ rule already,” he said. “And I can tell you where I stand. Do you want me to start first or do you want to?” he asked, his voice a little hoarse but steady.
I nodded for him to go on.
He took my hand into his. “Well, I like you. A lot,” he said. “ And I want this to be a serious relationship. I want to date you, I want us to get to know each other and I want us to be exclusive. I understand you don’t want a public relationship and I think it is more than reasonable for us to take this slow. But I need you to know that I am serious about making this work. And that I want everything eventually.”
I could feel myself suffocating. I didn’t expect him to be thisforward and this committed. I had underestimated the situation. I was in over my head and I?—
“Your turn,” Alex lifted my hand to his lips and planted a gentle kiss on my palm. “What do you want from this? What are you feeling?”
When I looked up, his kind eyes held my own. I was able to breathe again. The slight concern, the calmness of his voice. It pulled me out of my spiral.
I could do that, right? A full-on secret relationship? Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted? Someone to be just as all-in as I have always been?
I cleared my throat. “I want the same as you, eventually. I do really like you. But you need to know there are things I need to work through. That I come with a lot of insecurities and baggage. But you make me feel safe and seen and I want to know that this is going to last if we are to go public.
“I’m also so scared that I’m going to repeat the same mistakes like in my last relationship. Which is irrational because this is so different.”
“I understand,” he said in a quieter voice, while still holding on to my hand. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
I nodded and looked at our linked hands as I said. “I haven’t thought about my ex since I hit Masters. It kind of closed that chapter of my life. For three years after the breakup, all I wanted was to prove to myself what he told me was not true. I enjoyed NLA, I wanted to play but when we were together he kept telling me there was no point because I wasn’t good enough. He broke up with me when I calibrated Iron V.”
I looked up to see Alex trying to stifle a laugh. “Your ex broke up with you because yourrank in NLA was too low?”
“Alex, I swear, I’m not making this up. I know it sounds fucking ridiculous,” I tried to defend myself.
