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“You're about to sign your life away to video game streaming, of all things,” Lauren began. “As women, we are often considered accessories in this industry. Me included, even though I work behind the scenes. As much as we want this to change, we have a long way to go.
“I just wanted to make sure you know what you’re getting into because I know how Alex is and I’m sure he has tried to shelter you from this. He refuses to believe just how bad it can become and thinks he knows best. While I can assure you he has the best intentions in mind, he can be a bit naive.”
I swallowed hard, her words sinking in properly. She was telling me what I already knew. “I understand that.”
Lauren smiled sympathetically. “I’m just looking out for you. And you should know that so is Alex. Now if I haven’t scared you off, of course,” she chuckled. “Let’s talk a little more about my vision for what I see in the next two years for you.
“Separating you from Alex’s image will take a lot of work but it is possible. But if you two stay close after this challenge it might not be that necessary. You’re both transitioning into streaming, him back from pro play and you from ‘normal life’. It’ll be an adjustment for both of you.”
She went through the details of how many hours I will have to stream and what to expect from my first few streamsalone. She even told me about Lisa, one of her other clients who started out in a similar situation to me.
As we kept talking, an hour rolled by and there was so much more we could have talked about but Lauren had to circle back and talk about the contract. In the end I signed it, officially becoming a content creator for Team Solid. She handed me a copy and wished me good luck.
She told me that the signing bonus should be transferred to me by midnight and if it wasn’t to call her in the morning. We also exchanged numbers and she told me never to hesitate to text her about anything no matter how silly or unrelated to my work with Team Solid it was.
With the contract signed and in hand, I left the compound, got into my car and drove straight to the warehouse.
On my way there, lots of thoughts raced through my mind, the loudest one was that Lauren was the kind of woman I was intimidated to befriend but desperately wanted to get to know. Just the aura of her presence exuded respect and competency. She was the kind of person I used to aspire to be before my self-esteem got trashed in my last relationship.
But today I was closing that chapter of my life. From today onwards, there would be nothing connecting me to that dark time in my past. I just had to quit my job.
I walked into the warehouse I worked at and beelined straight to the manager’s office.
“Hey, Barbara. Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked, knocking on the doorframe of the office.
Barbara looked up and smiled. “Of course, come in.”
I took a deep breath and handed my resignation letter to her. “I’m quitting. Effective immediately.”
Barabara read the letter and looked up at me from under hereyebrows. She signed it. Then silently dismissed me. I didn’t expect anything more from her.
When I got back to my apartment an hour later, the weight of everything hit me. I sat on my bed, in my tiny room in that shared apartment and burst into tears, feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes in my life. It was as if someone was squeezing at my heart.
But why was I feeling so heavy and unsafe? I had just made the best decision for my future but it felt like I was free-falling without a parachute. I let myself cry until my tears died out and I started coughing up snot.
When I calmed down, I texted Alex that it was all done.
Alex
How are you going to celebrate?
Please tell me you called your friend and you are celebrating this right now?
No, she isn’t back from abroad yet, so no celebration. Can I swing by in twenty minutes?
Alex
Yes, of course.
We can go out and the two of us can celebrate, if you want.
I don’t feel like celebrating tonight. I feel exhausted.
I changed out of my fancy shirt and into my most comfortable and oversized gray hoodie and picked out my favorite tennis skirt. I stopped in front of the mirror in my room and examined my blotchy face. I would need a lot of concealer to cover it up. I fixedmy appearance as best as I could and even put on lip gloss and brushed my hair. A swipe of mascara wasn’t going to hurt, either.
Why was I even doing this? Well, I did two scary things today, might as well do another one.
As I walked to Alex’s place I tried to think through what I wanted to tell him, but my mind was reeling and I couldn’t keep my thoughts running straight. I was fed up with the uncertainty. I wanted to know exactly where each of us stood and I was ready to just speak my truth.
