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“Do you like teaching?” she asks me.
I think about my boxing classes—about the thrill I get when one of the students does something right for a change. Even that kid from Coney Island.
“Yeah,” I say. “I like it.”
“Would you be disappointed if you couldn’t finish the year?”
I frown at her, confused.
“I’m only here because I thoughtyouwanted to finish.”
“I did. But now I’m worried it might not be safe,” Cat takes a deep breath. “For the baby.”
I stare at her for a moment, not quite understanding. Then the racing of my heart jolts my brain.
“Are you serious?” I whisper.
“Very serious,” she says. “And very sure.”
I scoop Cat up in my arms, holding her tight against me, squeezing her hard but not too hard. My eyes are burning, my heart pounding, my throat too tight to speak.
“We’re gonna have a baby?” I croak.
“Yes,” she says, “Sometime in June.”
I can’t stop hugging her. I can’t let go, even for a second.
“You should have told me!” I cry. “I wouldn’t have spanked you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Cat snorts. “I made sure you weren’t too rough.”
“What about the?—”
“That’s fine, too. It won’t hurt him.”
“Him? You think it’s a boy?”
She laughs. “I don’t know. I mean . . . I have a feeling. An inclination. But it’s just a guess.”
I nuzzle my face against her hair, breathing in the clean scent of her scalp. I need to smell her to calm myself down, because I’m experiencing a mixture of joy, excitement, and terror so acute that I feel like my heart might explode.
“I’m so, so glad,” I tell her. “I wish it were June right now.”
“Me too,” Cat murmurs. “But I’m sure it will come soon enough.”
She is getting tired now, I can hear it in her voice.
I lift her up in my arms and take her to the bed. She may be carrying my child, but it’s still easy for me to carry her petite little frame and set her down gently on the mattress. I cover her with the blanket, sitting on the edge of the bed and stroking her hair until she’s fast asleep.
I’m as awake as I’ve ever been.
I can’t stop imaging this child—what he’ll look like, what he’ll sound like, what he’ll think and feel. What will he want, and will I be able to give it to him?
I’ve barely learned how to love Cat the way she deserves. I still make mistakes.
What if I fuck up with my child? What if I damage him forever?
I stand up from the bed, my stomach churning. I snatch up my phone, taking it into the other room so I don’t wake Cat.
