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I barely slept at all. I tossed and turned in an agony of indecision, until Rakel snarled at me to hold still or she’d duct-tape me to the bed.
I miss Dean. I miss him badly.
But I can’t stop remembering Lola’s taunts, and Dean’s insults following directly afterward, proving the truth of her words.
Just because he likes fucking you doesn’t mean he gives a shit about you . . .
He’s using you because you’ll do whatever he says . . .
And then, worst of all, echoing over and over in my brain:
You’re nothing to me.
I never really believed that Dean could love me.
What fragile hope I had was shattered as he raged at me in the tower.
Zoe’s right: love doesn’t hurt like this. Love doesn’t bring you to your knees with grief and misery.
“Cat, you’re being ridiculous!” Dean cries, annoyed at my continued resistance. “You can’t throw away everything we have over one fight.”
“I didn’t throw it away,” I say coldly. “You did.”
I can already see his temper rising, right now, when he’s supposed to be begging for forgiveness.
“You’re getting mad all over again, aren’t you!” I cry. “I bet you want to shout at me, don’t you?”
“Only because you’re being—” Dean raises his hands like he’s going to strangle me, and then abruptly cuts himself off.
I laugh in his face.
“Being what?” I demand. “Tell me again how awful I am.”
Dean takes several deep breaths, his lips pressed tightly together in a thin line.
It would be funny watching him try to control his temper, if it didn’t make me so sad at the same time.
“I’m sorry I insulted you, Cat,” he says. “I didn’t mean it. I was out of my mind.”
“So was I,” I say quietly. “But I’m sane again now.”
I walk to my first class, having missed breakfast by talking to him.
26
DEAN
I’m starting to realize the depth of my mistake.
Cat is not forgiving me.
And I know the reason why.
I really fucking hurt her. I can see it in her eyes every time I force her to look at me. She’s trying to be so cold, so aloof, but I hear the tremor in her voice, and I see her hands shaking.
I never realized how fragile our relationship was.
I flung it against the wall like that speaker, and it shattered into a hundred pieces. Now I’m trying to glue them back together and it isn’t fucking working. I don’t know how to restore her trust.
