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All the times I saw them fighting, and we would always make jokes about it. The way he would reach out to grab her and yank her to him. The times he would hiss at her, and she would avoid looking at everyone. The times they would walk in and you would know they were fighting, since they would sit apart, and he would say she was having a hissy fit. All of it flashes in my mind, making it harder and harder to breathe. I turn to the side, seeing her face in my mind, her face and no one else. Nothing comes in but her face as I remember the last time I saw her before I found out she left town.
I was drunk, so fucking drunk, it was a wonder I wasn’t falling all over the place. The day in court, listening to her on the stand tell everyone how she knew he was drunk that night. The floor I was standing on felt like it opened up, and I fell into the dark hole. I avoided even looking at her until it was the anniversary of their death. Two years since Jennifer was taken from me.
I walked to her house, held on to trees to help me not fall on my face. Walking up to her door and balling my hand into a fist, I pounded over and over again. She opened the door, the light from the hallway on, and I could see her face. Her eyes swollen from crying, the tip of her nose red. I wanted her to hurt even more than she did.
“How could you do this?” I asked her. “How could you do this to Jennifer?”
“Charlie.” Her voice came out in a whisper. “I never wanted this to happen.”
I should have listened to her, but I didn’t. I was so wrapped up in my grief I didn’t care about anyone else’s. “All of this time, you fucking knew.”
“I know,” she admitted. “I was waiting until the results came back.”
“You fucking knew he was drunk!” I roared in her face. “You did this.” My face went closer to hers. “You could have stopped him.”
“I tried,” she said, “I tried to get him to give me the keys.”
“You didn’t try hard enough.” My words were like a knife stabbing her again, the wince on her face should have had me step back, but instead, the rage took over. “It should be you in that grave, rotting in hell with him.” That was the last thing I said to her before I turned and stumbled into the forest. Collapsing on my knees in the middle of the forest, I lay on my side, wishing for the pain to go away.
I get up in time to make it to the bathroom before I throw up, closing my eyes, seeing her there. Not Jennifer. Autumn. Her face white from me yelling at her, every single time I had a chance. Every single time I could spew hatred her way, I did. Sharpening my knife each time, not caring that I was leaving her with the pain she was in. Ignoring all of the signs. Falling back on my ass as I put my back to the wall, I want to go to her.
But I don’t. I sit in the bathroom with my head back, and my eyes closed until I hear the alarm coming from behind me. Pulling it out and turning it off before placing it on the floor beside me, I don’t move from my spot on the floor. Not moving one inch. My body is glued to the floor, feeling like I’ve been run over. No, that isn’t right. I feel like I’m being buried by the guilt that runs through me.
The phone rings from beside me, and I look down and see Emmett calling me, but I don’t pick it up. I just sit with my head back, seeing her face, Autumn. How the first time I met her, I was taken aback by how beautiful she was. How her smile lit up her whole face. How she used to make little jokes with me, and we used to laugh with each other. Waylon hated that, so I stopped doing it. He didn’t mind after I started dating Jennifer, but by then, it had shifted.
The knock on the back door has me turn my head to the side, my phone ringing again. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I don’t have that because the back door is opened, and he hisses, “What the fuck is that smell?”
He walks in, and I can hear his boots crunch the glass from the bottle. “Charlie,” he calls, moving through the house, his footsteps coming closer to the bedroom, and then finally, he’s standing outside the door. “What the fuck is going on?” He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt with the barn name on it.
“Nothing,” I say, my voice monotone, but my head screamseverything.
“You smashed?” He puts his hands on his hips as he glares at me.
“No,” I answer him honestly. “Wish I was,” I admit to him.
“Get up and get your ass in the shower.” He doesn’t entertain me. “Get your head out of your ass.”
I laugh. “I wish I knew how,” I retort as he shakes his head.
“You have five minutes to get up and get in the shower, or I’m calling your grandfather,” he threatens me. “I’m not cleaning that mess in the kitchen, but I’ll make you coffee.”
I think about his threat, knowing that he will absolutely call him and then he’ll definitely head down here and kick my ass. Then he will probably find out what I’ve been doing and kick my ass even more. I turn on my knees before getting up and pulling my shirt over my head, looking down to see her teeth mark barely there and suddenly wanting it there. I kick off my boots and get in the shower, with the cold water hitting me first. As I close my eyes and picture her in my arms, the pressure in my chest makes me reach up to rub the ache.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m dressed and walking out of my bedroom, seeing that he cleaned up the mess and that my coffee is on the counter. Picking it up, I head outside to start my day. Walking to the barn, I find him sitting on his desk, and he looks up at me as if he hadn’t just seen me fifteen minutes ago. “Morning,” he greets.
“Morning.” I take a sip of the coffee. “Thank you for—”
“I’ll add it to the list of things you owe me for.” I nod at him in agreement. “That list is getting longer and longer.”
I smirk before I take another sip of coffee. “I’m good for it.”
“I don’t know about that. You going to ride her today or not?” He motions with his head toward Goldilocks, and I just nod.
“Figured,” he grunts. “Get out of here. I have work to do.”
I finish my cup and put it on his desk before going to Goldilocks and smiling when her tail whips side to side. “Morning, girl,” I greet, grabbing her reins, and noticing she’s already saddled. “Let’s go for a walk, yeah?”
I walk to the edge of the fenced area before climbing on her and making my way to the trail. “It’s a nice day,” I tell her as she slowly makes her way. “You like it here, right?” She trots over a log. “I have a friend I’m going to bring to meet you.” I smile as the tears sting my eyes. “To be honest, I don’t think she’s my friend. At least she shouldn’t be my friend, but I’m going to make her be my friend again.” I chuckle. “That is if she doesn’t leave before then.” The thought of her leaving town makes me grip the reins in my hands tighter. “You’ll like her, she’s pretty, like you. You have the same hair color.” I pet her neck. “She hates me, but you… she’ll love you, and that’s going to be enough for me. If I can get her to smile at you, I’ll take her hating me.” The tear escapes the side of my eye. “I’m going to try,” I vow out loud, “I’m going to try.”
