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“What’s your point? You want me to tell her now?”
“No. I mean, I want you to do whatever you want to do.”
I thought I’d felt exhaustion before. I cried over the desire to sleep, or to shut my mind off. I’ve stood in place at work, or while cooking dinner, and wished I could drop to the ground and rest right there. I’ve wanted to forget my responsibilities, forget every single thing going on around me, and just check out for a while.
But I am consumed by it right now. Today has been such a roller coaster, that I can’t do it anymore. The woman I love is standing in front of me, and I’m so torn between what to do about it, that my body decides for me. We’re not going to do anything at all.
I wordlessly begin walking to my room, and I can feel her confusion. I’m sure if I had the energy to look up at her, I’d see that small pout of her bottom lip that is the bane of my existence.
I’m not doing anything about it tonight. She can pout. She can do anything she wants to do, but it won’t change the fact that I’m going to bed.
“Reya?” Kara’s cautious voice carries to me when I’m already in the other room.
I slowly pull off my clothes, piece by piece until I’m standing in my room completely naked. Underwear is too much work to pull on, but I do snag one of my big t-shirts from my closet and somehow end up with it over my head.
That’s when she appears in that doorway, looking hopeless and hopeful all at once.
“Are we not going to–”
“No,” I say as I lay down and pull my comforter over my shoulders.
Whoever invented and named the comforter did something right. Itiscomforting. I’ve always loved getting into bed at night, and feeling embraced by my pillows and blankets. It’s the only thing I’m able to acknowledge right now.
I sigh contentedly, as if I have no reason not to.
I drift off almost instantly, only slightly aware of the feeling of someone climbing in the bed next to me.
29
Iwake up feeling slightly less burdened than has been my usual, and shuffle through all the files tucked away in my brain to understand why before I even open my eyes.
What’s going on today?It’s Monday. I have a nine hour shift at work. I went grocery shopping a few days ago, so there are options for dinner if I’m up to cooking after a long day. Maybe I could throw something in my sadly underused slow cooker before I leave the house.
Note to self as soon as my eyes decide to open: Google recipes with the ingredients in my kitchen. Pretty sure I have chicken in the—
A soft snore sounds to my right and I scream, throwing my eyes open as I somehow manage to fling myself right off the side of my bed. I guess I chose toflightin the quick panicked second it took me to register my surroundings.
“Woah, woah, woah. What are you doing?” Kara asks.
Kara. Because she’s in my bed.
She was sleeping. And snoring.
Her eyes now are slits that tell me she was as suddenly disturbed from her slumber as I was from my thoughts.
“I-I–” I get up from the floor, pulling my shirt down to cover things that probably should’ve been covered while my ex was in my bed. “What do you mean, what amIdoing? What areyoudoing? Why are you here?”
Just like that, she stops squinting her eyes and I see the alarm in them before she attempts to collect herself.
“You don’t remember?”
“I don’t remember my own name this early in the morning. I hadn’t made it past the ingredients in my—nevermind. Hold on.”
I stomp away to my connected bathroom, and shut the door firmly behind me.
Okay, new task at hand. Now I’m fumbling through my internal files wondering where Kara showing up after a brutal month without her comes in.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I discover that my hair is even more sleep mussed than usual. I flatten it as best I can by running my fingers through it, until I realize it’s not going to work, and grab the hairbrush sitting next to my sink.
