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“Going to bed. I work early.”
Miserably early, but I would easily stay up to keep talking to her if she didn’t have to go.
“Yikes. Good luck with that.”
I note that she’s still not a morning person. I never saw her face before noon during the time she stayed with me.
“Thanks, I’ll need it. What about you?” I ask.
“I think it’s hot tub time. Can’t say I’m mad about it.”
I chuckle. “Enjoy hot tub time.”
“I surely will. Good night, Miles.”
“Good night, Autumn.”
When the phone goes quiet, it hits me that I feel much less alone than I usually do before bed.
I got my first friend back today.
5
Autumn
Iconsider myself a hopeless romantic, with emphasis on the lack of hope. I can think up scenarios all day, but I can’t seem to manifest any of them into existence. I might stand a chance of spilling my coffee on a suit-wearing hottie if I wasn’t too anxious to go inside the coffee shop, but I choose the drive-through every time. I try not to dwell on it, there are plenty of other things in my life to make me feel happy and fulfilled. I’m in plenty of committed relationships.
The only romance I’ve been experiencing lately is the fictional kind. I type up all the swooning, cheesy goodness, and live vicariously through my computer screen. Sometimes it’s hard not to convince myself that I’m an imposter, creating stories that I have little experience to build off of, but Ihaveread alotof books.
Being cheated on as a teenager had residual effects that didn’t go away as quickly as I hoped, if much at all. I was trying to learn how to trustanyonebefore Justin ever came along. I was a kidthat couldn’t even trust my own parents, so his actions were a big setback.
I’ve caught feelings more than once since then. I’ve also had fun, random sex, and tried not to take dating too seriously. None of it ever worked out for me, but not for my lack of trying. I gave into Reya’s antics for years, letting her sign me up for dating apps, or take me out for drinks just so she could talk to the bartender about all of my endearing qualities.
I had a fling with one of my neighbors for a few weeks, also thanks to Reya. Ben was cute, and sweet, and had a nose ring. I understood why she tried to set us up, I might have even thanked her for it at some point.
But we had practically nothing in common. He was into sports, and cars, and lived off of his dad’s money. We couldn’t possibly be more different as people. I felt the attraction when I looked at him, and I enjoyed sleeping with him. I liked that he would always order takeout when I stayed over late, and remembered my order after the very first time I told him.
The moments in between having sex, and eating dinner, and going home, when there wasn’t a sound coming from his television? There was no way to miss the uncomfortable silence, the lack of connection. It made me want to crawl out of my skin. It was everything romance novels told me I didn’t deserve.
That was the first time I’d been the one to end a relationship, or a situationship, whatever we had. I should’ve known better, with him living right upstairs. I had given that to Reya as a reason why I shouldn’t before I did. I had been so nervous that I didn’t leave my apartment for weeks without a solid minute of listening for footsteps on the stairs outside.
We’re on decent terms now, I might even say we’ve become friends. We share smiles on the days we’re in a hurry, and catch up for a couple minutes when we’re not. And yes, okay, we mighthave had a couple of drunk hookups since. I am not a perfect person, it gets lonely out here.
Before Ben, I had fallen for a guy named Lucas. We worked together for a few months at some real estate office. He had dark blonde hair, and a smile that melted panties right off.
Lucas was the first guy I opened up to after Justin, and we talked every day for months. He took me out to dinner all the time, he even introduced me to his family. Our chemistry was undeniable, and I was drawn to him like a magnet.
It took months for him to tell me he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. We had already spent so much time together, become so close, that it seemed silly to end things for that reason. And maybe… maybe I was holding out hope that he didn’t really mean it, or at least that I could change his mind.
Spoiler alert: he meant it. I couldn’t change his mind.
I needed validation and reassurance that he couldn’t give me. I stooped as low as begging for it, which was new for me. A level of pathetic I didn’t know I could reach, but I justified it at the time. I never asked Justin for anything, and that hadn’t gotten me anywhere.
Lucas just wasn’t the person to ask. He slowly, but surely shut me out. It started with shorter messages, seeming busier at work than he’d ever been. He needed his sweatshirt back, one that he never cared was in my possession before. He didn’t have the decency to actually end things with me, or explain himself. I’m a smart girl, I didn’tneedhim to. It just would’ve been nice.
A light social media stalking told me he got married a year later to the girl that replaced me when I left that job. I cried over him for a long time.
Those were the highlights of my dating life, the rest being inconsequential crushes and the occasional hookup. If I wasn’t an author, and didn’t have the outlet of writing love stories, I might have lost my mind by now.
