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My phone buzzes in my pajama pockets and I pull it out with a sigh. I am too worked up over that dream, and I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t lead to dangerous territory if Miles were to reach out right now.
Thankfully, I get to stay in the safe zone.
Kind of.
Reya:You better not be in bed feeling sorry for yourself…
Me:I’m not! I’m sitting on my kitchen floor feeling sorry for myself.
Reya:GET YOUR BUTT UP THOSE STAIRS AND GET SOME
I roll my eyes. That’s my initial reaction anyway, but then I stop and think for a second.
Why shouldn’t I?
Maybe that really would be good for me. He could help me get rid of some of this built up tension that I can’t take care of on my own. The kind of tension that someone’s hands and mouth could take care of.
It’s been a few months,maybeBen has gotten better at using them. I quickly shoot him a message and ask what he’s up to, knowing I very well may regret it.
Only minutes later, when my neighbor is standing at my door looking a little too eager, I give him zero bullshit.
“I just need a distraction, okay?”
“Consider yourself distracted,” he says with a grin.
I'm already regretting my life choices.
23
Miles
Idon’t know what I’m doing here. I went on autopilot and all of a sudden I was staring at her front door from across the parking lot.
I’m not my own biggest fan at the moment. I’ve already done this once, didn’t talk to her for days and then wanted to show up again like everything was fine.
As much as I know I should stay away, I can’t. I didn’t even make the conscious decision to be here, and I ended up here anyway.
If I was a better person, I would know how to stay away for good. It would suck, and I’m not stupid enough to think she’d be okay with that. We’d both be miserable, but eventually we wouldn’t be, right? It would hit her that IamJustin’s brother. She’d look at our family with more than just the hurt she held before, but disdain.
I’d never get to see that smile, or hear that laugh, but she would get to move on. She’d find out what it’s like to wantsomeone and have it be easy. Their family would love her. Their mom would have no reason to treat her like she’s everything wrong with their lives.
The door opens. I stiffen like I’ve been caught, even though I’m far enough away to not draw attention to myself. I turn my car off, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m hiding or because I’m going to go up to her. I don’t have a game plan.
But it’s not Autumn that walks out, and I immediately feel sick to my stomach.
That guy that wouldn’t leave her alone the other night. The one she told me she wasn’t interested in.
Even from all the way over here, I know enough to feel complete dread. They’re in pajamas. Her hair is messy, like it’s been slept on, or…
She laughs, big and wide at something he says. I don’t think. I don’t know what I’m doing. One second I’m in my car, and the next I’m on foot.
I don’t worry until I’m a few feet away. I have zero clue what to say to her. Ruining her night wasn’t on the agenda, but I didn’t imaginethisbeing how she was spending it.
They hug each other, and my steps slow. Ben looks up for a second of eye contact, but it’s long enough to catch the satisfaction there.
I’m irrationally angry.
“Oh, hey man.” When he lets go of her, it’s slow. His hand lingers on her shoulder possessively.
