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I shrug, because I don’t know. She goes to our school. He’ll still see her there every day. They probably have classes together. Will blocking her make any difference? Would it be overreacting on my part if I told him he had to?
He puts his phone away, without blocking her, and continues pleading with me. I’m not really aware of anything else until my phone starts buzzing in my back pocket. It goes off at least five times in a row. I’d think it was a phone call if there was a pattern to it.
I pull it out, ignoring his protest.
There are message requests, meaning I don’t have the person as a friend.
From Isabelle Larson.
He must see the look on my face change as I stare down at it, contemplating if I want to know what she has to say. She could be assuming I’m the reason he hung up on her and lashing out. Do I want to be attacked by a girl that’s trying to pursue my boyfriend? I’ve never been good at confrontation.
Suddenly my phone is pulled from my hands and Justin is reading the screen with his jaw clenched. He clicks on the notifications and opens the messages. I lean forward to look, but he turns it away from my view.
I don’t even have the energy to argue. There’s a good chance I’m not strong enough to face them anyway. Possibly later, when I’m alone and have had time to calm down.
Possibly.
“See, she’s crazy, Autumn. Harassing me isn’t enough, she has to harass you too. I should’ve blocked her from the start.”
You still haven’t blocked her, I think to myself.
“What did she say?” I ask, my voice so small and weak.
“Just a bunch of bullshit you don’t need to hear. I’m sorry, babe.” He taps a few things on my phone, and pulls away from my feeble attempt to stop him.
When he finally hands it back, the messages are gone and he’s blocked her from my account. “Let’s not give her any more time of day, what’s done is done. I’ll do whatever you need.”
I nod, but it feels like I’m lying. The pain of the cramps I was experiencing is nothing in comparison to what this day has turned into. I don’t know how we’re supposed to move forward.
When he begs me to go back inside with him, it takes a lot to convince him that we’ll be fine if I leave. I tell him I’ll see him at school tomorrow.
With some distance and a head that’s slowly clearing, I remember school is where Isabelle will be. I wonder if she’ll try to confront me with what those messages said, and feel even more sick at the thought. Maybe I lied to him, maybe I won’t be there tomorrow.
15
Autumn
Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out to do what I want with my life. Most of the time it’s a no-brainer, I can’t even contain all of my ideas and creativity. I look at the world with a lens that picks up every small, inspiring detail, and I want to make use of it. Iwantto do this.
The first time I held my book in my hands, I knew all the struggling was worth it. I knew I’d do it all again, over and over, even if it meant I'd spend every last penny on the process. There was no amount of money spent or tears shed that weren’t worth it to experience that final result. I had never been so proud of myself, so full of excitement.
I’ve had many doubts since then. I know where I’m lacking, I know I need to put myself out there more. It’s just that every time I try, I crumble. I never know where to start, there’s too much out there.
Vic tries to help occasionally, but she has even less time to worry about these things than I do. And she really doesn’t mostof the time. I think she posts on Instagram once a month, but that still makes her far more experienced than I am.
Don’t get me started on Reya. She thinks she’s qualified, but she works her phone like an eighty year old woman that’s upset with how far technology has come.
Today is a tough one, filling me with doubt. My laptop sits open in front of me, my brain yells at me to get a move on. All I’ve done for hours is stare at the screen and contemplate my life choices. My mind is a tangled, anxious mess.
Even Elaine must sense it, because she’s being extra sweet as she nuzzles against my shoulder. Her little trick perks me up most of the time, but I don’t have it in me now. I give her chin scratches in thanks, and her purring makes me want to give up and go to bed.
So I do. I slam my laptop shut for the night, hoping tomorrow can be a more productive day.
I do need help. I can’t ask Vic, and I can’t afford to pay someone, but somehow I’m going to figure it out. Trying to tackle too much on your own never works well for anyone.
My phone begins to vibrate with a call, and breaks through my thoughts.
I wasn’t expecting to hear from Miles anytime soon. We’ve both clearly taken a step away from our friendship since that day Amelia spoke to me. At least, I know that’s my reason, but I don’t know if Amelia would have been as blunt with him. He’s smart, though. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell what she was thinking. It was probably the reminder he needed, too.
