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“What are you talking about?”
“Autumn,” is all she says.
“What about her?” I ask cautiously. I don’t think she’d tell my mom what went down between us, but I could be surprised. They sat in a quiet office for a few hours. People talk.
I start eating the food that my stomach has been dying for, but it’s also an attempt to appear casual. Nothing says casual like a mouth full of cheese and bread.
“You walk into my office with coffee, and a flirty grin, and you expect me to be ignorant?”
There’s a pause because I’m still chewing. I’m tempted to fill it by rolling my eyes at her like I’m seventeen again. “Is that why you were so upset earlier? It’s not like that, we’re just friends.”
“Does she know that? She had heart eyes the second you walked through the door.”
Okay, I can’t help but roll my eyes this time.
“Yeah, she knows that.” There’s no reason for me to think that’s not the truth.
Unless you count her breathy moans as my hand slid up her shirt as a reason.
Fuck.Not the thing to be thinking right now.
“We’re just friends,” I repeat. “It’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t act like going through a hard time makes me contagious.”
When I go back in for another bite, she’s quiet. I know she’s thinking, probably glaring at me while doing so.
By the time I look up at her, she doesn’t look angry at all. She feels sorry for me, which is worse. Way worse. I’m the only one who’s allowed to feel sorry for me.
“Live life for yourself right now, honey. Don’t let some girl get in the way again.”
“I’m not, I promise.” I know it’s the truth because regardless of what happens, I know I’ll be fine. Autumn isn’t getting in the way. If anything, she makes me feel like I’m making progress.
“Good. I worry about you so much.” She pulls me into a side hug and kisses the top of my head. “You and your brother. You both deserve better than what you’ve got.”
I know she genuinely worries, but her words feel like an intentional reminder of his place in my situation. It frustrates me for a total of five seconds, until it hits its target.
I'm being selfish. I haven’t been blind to it, but I’ve been thinking that Justin’s reaction would be an inconvenience instead of warranted.
Who am I to say it wouldn’t be?
Justin’s kids have just been put to bed, to my dismay. They’re my favorite part of visiting my brother’s house. When I ask about Isabelle, he has nothing to say. It’s been months since I’ve seen her face, despite her living here, which confirms that she’s been hiding. Not just from me, but her husband, too.
I know for that reason, he counts on me to stop by like this. He gets even less social interaction than I do.
He gives me a funny look as I approach the couch he’s slumped on.
“Since when do you drink those?” he asks, and nods towards the hard seltzer in my hand.
I shrug. “It’s all you have.”
He squints his eyes. “So you’re going to drink it anyway? Who are you, and what have you done to my brother?” I laugh as I sit down next to him, but he doesn’t drop his suspicion. “Something’s wrong.”
I consider for a split second telling him everything. That I’ve been talking to Autumn, what mom had to say to me about it. I want to ask him what he really thinks about that. The thought vanishes quickly, knowing it won’t lead to any good. She’s trying to protect him after all, it's the reason she was upset in the first place.
I give him a partial truth. “Mom just stresses me out sometimes.”
He nods in understanding and the topic drops like that. I know he knows the feeling.
My mind never wanders far from the kiss. I can’t remember the last time it felt like that with anyone. Granted, I’d been withKara for so long that it’s no wonder everything before her is a blur. I don’t think she, in the eight years we were together, ever made me feel like I needed to kiss her in order to survive.
