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I’m about to duck down when there’s a loud BANG. A bulge appears in the big man’s back and I have to dive as he falls back like a door that’s come off its hinges. He’s tipping straight toward me. When he splashes flat, the water above me shakes and it knocks half my breath out of me. I’m swimming to get out of the way as his arms and legs wave.
Now there’s no cover for me and nowhere I can go in the pool where I won’t be seen. The man is just sinking and the water is turning red.
Red like Daddy’s face. I remember his shouts frightened me. He got so angry, it was like a big, horrible storm and it went on a long time. I can’t make out any of what he said, but he really made me afraid.
I knew from then on if I ever wanted to hide, I must never, ever, ever get caught.
Back in the quiet room with all the soft beeps, the Mastermind is talking on the phone.
“Did you speak to the hospital?”
I can’t hear the other end of the call.
He says, “You went there? Did they let you see him? How is he?”
After a longer pause, he says, “No. I’m with her now. No change. Nothing… I know, right?”
I’m really nervous now.
I try to move with all that I have. Nothing happens. I concentrate on one finger and try to give it all the concentration in my body. Nothing. I can hardly even feel the parts of my body, far less move any of them.
Then I remember the swimming pool. I try holding my breath. No. Nothing.
Then, “And the other thing? The construction work?… Damn. Exactly what we were afraid of.”
Now I have my breath held. I keep it held, hoping he will notice. I don’t know what good it will do, but it’s got to be a start. One of the little beep drops out of the pattern. He”s got to notice.
It’s very quiet in the room. I sense that he’s looking at me. I’m still holding my breath.
LOOK! NOTICE! I know it’s not much of a communication, but its all that I’ve got. LOOK!
His heel twists on the floor as he turns to leave. He closes the door behind him very quietly, like he’s trying not to disturb me.
There’s a long pause“We should let her know.”
Another pause.
“Yes… No. I don’t know either. But somehow we should, right? … Sure. But how long might that be? She should know. Just in case.… I know. It doesn’t make any sense. But you think the same thing, right… Yes.… Yes. She should.… Yes, as soon as possible… Yes. Even if he doesn’t. Maybe especially if he doesn’t.”
In this state of suspension, I have no concept of time. Time passes. I’m asleep, I’m awake — kind of — and there’s some third state, a kind of nothing state. I can’t keep track.
Dreams, when I have them, are mostly blurry and abstract. The dream about the swimming pool seemed to have a real purpose. All the rest, if they mean anything, I can’t fathom what. All I know is that I need a key. Is that what I was diving for?
I’ve been practicing what I can do with my breath. I can hold it now, almost at will. The Mastermind has been in the room when I held my breath, though I couldn’t say how long it was. I was ready to think that I was imagining the whole thing, I would have given up if it weren’t for the little beeps on one of the machines.
When I don’t breathe, the smallest sound of all of them stops.
When the Emperor was here, I got the rhythm of the little beep so I could keep count of how many beats I held it for.
By my count, I held it for six. Next time, he wasn’t here, but I held for eight beeps. If I keep raising the time, I figure at a certain point, I’ll at least get a big sigh at the end and one of them should surely hear that.
So far, I still haven’t mastered breathing deep or shallow. All that I can do is breathe or I can stop breathing. That’s it. So I don’t take a deep breath before holding. I just stop and then stay relaxed.
When the Mastermind was in here, I held for ten beeps. Next time one of them is here, I’m going to try and hold on until I really can’t keep it up any longer. If I can, if it’s possible, I’ll hold until one of the machines sounds an alarm.
Or until my body forces me to breathe again..
When the athletic steps of my Warrior come through the door, I always know it’s him. He makes a different sound from the others, even before I hear his unsettling chuckle. When hereaches the door, he holds the handle and turns it until it’s ready to click, then he moves it smoothly so that it’s almost silent.
