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That put an entirely different spin on today.
* * *
Jennifer
Wednesday,after leaving work early, I got that same odd feeling that I was being watched. Looking over my shoulder, I didn’t see anyone or anything out of the ordinary. But nothing had felt right since the night I’d tried and failed to explain myself to Dennis. Every person I encountered in the company made me feel the same awkwardness. Did they suspect what I’d done? Were they watching me in order to catch me in the act?
Dennis had left town last night—that was all I could get out of Cindy today. She either didn’t want to say any more, or really didn’t know. I couldn’t tell which.
After shucking my heels, I wandered to the cupboard and located the bottle of Jim Beam Ramona had hidden away. I poured the first glass. It was time to determine how many it took to deaden the guilt I felt.
My phone still held the latest text from Ed, which I’d ignored. He now represented another level of problem for me to deal with—eventually.
EB: I know what you have been doing - we need to talk
I deleted it.
It didn’t matter anymore what Ed knew or didn’t know. I’d told Dennis the awful truth, and no suspicion of Ed’s could be worse than that. It didn’t matter if he knew when I’d started seeing Dennis, or how often. That embarrassment didn’t matter anymore.
Dennis’s command to stay at work had seemed odd at first, but now I understood it. With every person I passed in the hall or saw in a conference room or the cafeteria, I was reminded of his question. “What have they done to deserve the way you treated them?” I’d not just failed them, I’d sabotaged them. Though meaning to strike at Dennis, I’d hit the company and all the employees. And, worst of all, their families.
A stinging gulp of the amber liquid took my mind off the problem for a second. But the sting was replaced by warmth in my stomach, and my mind returned to the darkness.
In the cafeteria at lunch, I’d overheard a conversation about how one person’s plan to buy a house had to be put on hold. He’d planned to use his stock options for the down payment. There wasn’t anything I could do to fix that. None of it was fixable. It had all been avoidable though, if only I’d listened to Ramona months ago when Hydra had first approached me.
Why hadn’t I listened?
Why had I put my faith in Mom’s anger instead?
It was so obvious, in retrospect. She’d lashed out in fury and despair, and I’d allowed myself to get swept up in it. For what? To accomplish what?
Vengeance that was misplaced, and worse than that, so misdirected that it affected innocent members of the company I worked for, my teammates?
The door opened as I took another gulp.
Ramona closed the door behind her. “You’re home early.”
Billy ran over to give me a hug.
I set the tumbler down. “How was school, Bill?”
After the hug he grinned. “I got an A on spelling today.”
“That’s great. Can you spell pizza?”
“T-A-S-T-Y.”
“Perfect, and I’ll only put half the olives on because you aced your test.”
“No olives,” he countered.
“Half,” Ramona said. She gave me the stink eye for the bottle in front of me.
Billy ran off.
“What’s got you down in the dumps?”
I looked over to see that Billy was far enough away. “I fucked up.”
