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Tears pricked at her eyes and she glanced over to check that Tara and Angus were still distracted. Letting one family member know about her pain was hard enough; she couldn’t contend with the guilt of weighing down two more. “I didn’t mean to keep it from you. I just didn’t know how to voice it without sounding unhinged.”
Sam slid an arm around her shoulder, kissing the top of her head.
“Did Maya mention anything?” she asked.
He gave her a squeeze. “She alluded to something. But she didn’t want to give any details because she thought I should hear it directly from you.”
Her heart warmed at that sentiment. She lowered her voice. “Can we talk in the other room?”
Sam nodded, getting up and leading the way out of the kitchen, where their mum and Angus seemed oblivious to their departure, dancing to an old disco tune.
They went into the living room and Liv sat on the sofa, Sam taking the chair next to her.
“It’s all to do with Dave, really,” she told him.
Sam hesitated for a beat. “I thought as much.”
Liv took a breath, avoiding her brother’s gaze. “Basically, I got paranoid over a number of years that I was like him. Especially because of something Dean said when we broke up.”
His voice was tight. “What did he say?”
She gave him a soft smile. “It doesn’t matter now. But in any case, I was a little at fault for how I handled breaking up with him, and then it made me become wary. Then that wariness morphed into fear, which became this kind of phobia.” She shuddered. “I know it sounds ridiculous. But if I started to get vibes that a guy I was seeing was catching feelings, I’d get these horrible palpitations. I felt physically sick. Then I’d finish with him.” She glanced up, worried that she’d see judgment in his eyes. Her shoulders relaxed at the sight of the empathy shining in them.
He gave her a soft smile. “I always thought Dean was the one who finished it. You were so upset about it.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry for letting you think that. And I was upset, because of how I’d hurt him and because I believed him when he said I was like Dave.”
His voice was firm. “You aren’t.”
Liv cleared her throat. “I didn’t feel anything, Sam. After I practically beat up our own father.”
He squeezed her shoulder, studying her face. “Why should you? He sabotaged your relationship from day one. Made you feel belittledand insignificant. He created the void between you. That’s why you didn’t feel anything.” He gave her a meaningful look. “Not because you’re a cold monster like him.”
Each time she told someone, a little piece of the burden drifted from her soul. “You know something?”
“What?”
“When we were sixteen, and you gave up karate but I carried on, it was because I fantasized that one day, I’d use it on Dave.”
Sam tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Good for you.”
She searched her brother’s face. “You don’t think that makes me a bad person?”
“Nope.” He leaned in. “The very fact that you worry so much about being like him means that you’re nothing like him. Do you think Dave gives a shit about how he is? How his actions affect others? That’s all you care about, sis.”
“I don’t think Mum would agree.”
Sam was silent for a moment. Then he left his chair to sit next to her on the sofa, pulling her in for a hug. He kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head against his shoulder. “It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, it is. I should have been there for you. I should have made it easy for you to tell me all this stuff years ago.”
She pulled back to look him in the eye. “I mean it, Sam. I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad.”
“Yeah, well. I should have noticed it all myself instead of being wrapped up in my own shit.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Wrapped up in shit? That sounds pretty stinky.”
